Lust Lost and Found

This post is a rework of "Lustless" posted in Feb. 2019.

Can Something You Never Had be LOST?

With my girlfriend at the time, lust wasn't exactly 'lost', rather it never developed. I guess you couldn’t have found two more neophytes as far as sex was concerned, when we started dating. First serious relationship for both of us. No sexual experience. I was from an up-tight religious background, and my girlfriend was from a broken home, living with a protective mother. Add to this her serious medical condition. Our courtship involved a lot of joint volunteering, caring and charity type activities. We were young, optimistic and idealistic. As far fetched as it sounds, we really were 25 year old virgins in the ‘age of Aquarius’ when we married.

Due to poor time planning and travel, the wedding night was sexless (not that unusual apparently). We only had a long-weekend due to study commitments, but a full honeymoon was planned in the semester break. But our sexual initiation this first weekend was very fumbly and definitely less than lustful. 

Back at our new apartment, between settling in and study, our sexual start to married life wasn't improving. Five weeks later, we went on our formal ‘honeymoon’. But daily travelling and a different bed every night, left our “honeymoon” sexless.

Our first six months was a very fumbling, intermittent sex life. Between women’s issues and her other health problems 2 or 3 times a month, sex was infrequent and mediocre. I think there was one very good encounter when I took the whole day off and we spent half the day in bed, mostly in fore-play, finally achieving successful coitus. Whilst my wife enjoyed extended foreplay, she was mostly not comfortable going below the waist. In month’s 7 to 12, despite moving into a house from the 1 bedroom apartment, sex virtually ceased, with my wife no longer able to relax enough to allow penetration - vaginismus, ‘frozen vagina’.

Over the next couple of years, the vaginismus subsided, but her health problem meant that we visited hospital ER more often than we had sex (4-5 times per year). As for quality, “Think of England”.

We finally found a medical specialist that was somewhat supportive of us starting a family by carefully reducing medication by half and closely monitoring my wife's medical condition. It was a matter of treading the fine line between the congenital danger of high dose meds. and the dangers of a low dosed medical condition. Using the Billings method, conception was achieved in 3 months. Wow, sex, whether she wanted to or not, once a month for 3 months - the most frequent sex in our married life before (or since). The 9 months of pregnancy went smoothly health-wise, though sex was off. Then life was hit for a six when our child was born with multiple congenital conditions requiring immediate life-saving surgery, then full repair and follow-up surgeries over the next 5 years.

The first couple of years post natal, were sexless. I guess conjugal relations were of such a low priority, that the years slipped by. In hindsight,  I estimate that over 20 years, we averaged between 0 and 2 times per year.

At around the 30 year mark, we were empty-nesters, mortgage paid and a comfortable career. My wife’s medical condition had settled a little. I started pressing/encouraging increased (resumed?) sexual activity, but with little success. It seemed to be a matter of “Well, if you really must. Hop on and get it over with” - hardly encouraging - 'sympathy sex' at best. I backed off somewhat and tried to get her interested in mutual masturbation, but there was no interest - touching ‘down there’ was off limits, and oral was abhorrent to her.

Eventually, I got her to talk about our situation, but all I got was “I just don’t enjoy sex and never have”. Well, after that smack in the face, I promised that I would never ‘bother’ her about it again, and I haven’t.

It was 3-4 years later, that she started to open up a bit more about her childhood. It seems that her introduction to sex was as a pre-teen, hearing her drunken alcoholic father having his way with his wife and hearing her mother pleading to be left alone. Even in the 1960’s, a woman was still her husband’s chattel and conjugal rights were expected. "Rape in marriage" was inconceivable by definition of ‘marriage’.

After a few months, she asked her mother about it, and she had her first ‘lesson’ in sex-ed, including rape. The ancients described this as "The sins of the father will be visited on his children to the 3rd and 4th generation" (Ex.20:5, Num.14:18, Deu.5:9).

Never a truer statement has been made, than "The must important sexual organ is the one between our ears"!

So that just leaves me. When we vow “For better or worse, in sickness and health”, I guess we all assume that the worse and sickness will only be a small percentage of married life. How one deals with and transcends the "worse" is a measure of your character and depth of love. Our relationship had virtually declined into ‘patient and carer’. Any hope of 'normal' marital sex was totally LOST! I started going through bouts of depression. Who cares for the carer? It was through discussions with a friend at work, that I started to realise that there was no point in just blaming circumstances for one’s unhappiness. I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, thinking outside the square of societal conventions. The Good Book tells us to ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ - I had been taught the first half all my childhood, but not really much about loving myself - that was always seen as being ‘selfish’.

And so I ‘bit the bullet’ and started taking some occasional ‘me time’ with some ‘Ladies Of Pleasure’. I had tried once before on a business trip, but it was over in a couple of minutes and I remember thinking "Is that all there is!". But this time, I was lucky to find a kind, more mature lady, that was very understanding of my situation and led and guided me through a lovely time.

FOUND

And so it was that in my mid-50s, I FOUND what I had never had. Through a forum of men in situations like myself, I learned about brothels and private sex workers, of the wide range of services available and of all the different types ladies, from 'star-fish' to nymphos. With some delightful ladies, I discovered/learned about the differences between women and men's arousal patterns, of pleasuring a woman, how mutual enjoyment can be far better than individual pleasure, that love and sex can coexist separately. I learned the difference between love-sex and fun-sex. I learned how humor and laughter can enhance the sexual experience. I learned to give and receive oral for the first time - I've had some wonderful teachers. I've learned about Booty Buddies, Friends With Benefits and Sugar Daddys. OMG I feel so embarrassed to be confessing my sexually deprived upbringing.

In the anonymity and privacy of brothel pillow talk, I have had ladies confide things they might not even share with a BFF, of their likes and dislikes as far as client behaviour is concerned, and I've learned a lot about fellow men's lack of sexual education, experience and confidence - just like me. So I set about to write a BLOG about what I was learning, of personal experiences and educational essays, then later fictional pieces.

For others in situations like mine, I wrote "A Lustless Relationship Survivors Memorial".

I've found fulfillment in my writing, of bringing pleasure and sex-positive knowledge to a wider community. And I've found a wonderful community of fellow writers, that support and encourage.

Losing IT Again

But with age, I discovered declining libido, of Erectile Dis-function. Then we add on prostate cancer and the impact of roast prostate by radiotherapy and how that leads to further ED, lower libido, loss of ejaculation ability and lowered tactile sensation.

But I'm working on IT. With regular ED meds. and regular self-love and trial 'test drives', all is not completely lost, if not totally re-found! Never is there a truer saying than "Use it or lose it!".

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who else has Lost and/or Found
Wicked things on Wednesday!

Pin the Tail on the Ass Tag Teams

Part 7 of Jack and Emily's journey of sexual renewal. Catch up at:-

1. Masturbatorium - Jack's sperm donations;
2. Inseminatorium - a 'natural' service business;
3. Out of Office Service - Sandy's lust sated;
4. The Sex Counselor's Class - From vanilla to strawberries and cream
5. The Play Date - Friends with benefits
6. The Pool Party

Sure enough, on the Monday following the pool party, Emily receives an e-mail from Tess inviting she and Jack to a 'Tag Team' night at her house on Friday. 

Image: "TheSportster" Wrestlemania

It was to be a 'fun' night, so they are to wear some sort of sexy fancy dress costume, mask or hat. Tess is going to introduce them to Fanny and Dick, another couple in their circle - nibbles and drinks kick off at 7pm. The change from Wednesday to Friday is to allow the kids to have a pajama party with no school next day. Tess asks if they would mind if her children come to Em's house for the evening and their 17 year old Tabitha would 'sit' them. "Just to clarify" Tess wrote, "our little group has some basic rules.  We meet for group sexy fun - there is no 'partner swapping' as such, and at the end of the night we go home with our own partners, for the sake of the children. We use a 'safe word' of 'Red light' if there is something you don't like, or a double tap on the other person's shoulder".

Emily immediately replies with a "Can't wait!".

On Friday, Emily has the children fed, showered and dressed for bed early. Tabitha arrives with her brother and sister about 6. Once she has been shown where everything is, Emily and Jack drive over to Tess and Tim's. Jack and Emily have dressed in leathers and Em looks the quintessential 'biker's moll'.

Tim answers the door dressed in a Tarzan loin cloth. Tess calls out "Hi", flouncing around in a skimpy leopard print 'dress' - well 'dress' is a bit of an exaggeration - it is a piece of cloth draped over one shoulder, leaving the opposite breast exposed and hung down the front and back, barely covering her butt. A simple cord cinches it to her slim waist.

It is just a minute or two later and the door bell rings again. Tess brings in Fanny and Dick and introduces them. Fanny is dressed in tight white leather short-shorts, a pink fluro crop-top and she towers on 6" perspex platform shoes. Dick, with sleeveless leather top over his bare hairy chest, is sporting heavy gold bling, looking perfectly like her pimp.

Tess arranges everyone seated around the lounge, separating each from their partner. After hor dourves and a couple of glasses of champagne, Tess rings a bell and announces "Let the games begin".

"OK girls. Time to get commando, if you're not already. We are going to play 'pin the tale on the ass'". Tess produces two bowls with the three names of the girls in one and the guy's names in the other. She then comes out with three blind-folds and three fox tails on butt plugs and a large tube of lube. She draws the first guy's name out, Dick, and he is duly blind-folded and given the first tail with the plug well lubed. The first girl's name drawn is her own, so Tess flicks her 'dress' up and assumes the position and Em lubes her up. The others twirl Dick round and round, and then with much jeering, yahooing and encouragement, Dick feels his way around, fondling bodies, breasts and butts until he finds Tess's naked arse, then with exploring fingers, 'pins the tail on the ass', with much cheering.

Image from Amazon.com

The game is repeated twice more till all foxy ladies are appropriately tailed.

With three glasses of champagne downed, the ladies retire to the bathroom. "I have never understood women" says Tim. "They always seem to turn going for a piss into a social event!". The other two agree with a half tipsy giggle.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Tess presides over the proceedings. "OK girls, we are playing Tag Team next. But we are going to trick the guys. We all have to remove make-up and wash off perfume. I have a different bottle of perfume that we will all wear. Then I have three wigs, blond, black and brunette, the same as our natural hair, but we are each going to wear a different colour from our natural hair. OK, now lets strip off, keep your tail on and get ready".

The girls sashay back into the lounge, swinging their boobs and twerking their fox tails, to much cheering and clapping from the guys. The men start stripping themselves without further encouragement.

"Right O guys. We are going to play Tag Team next, but I'm afraid you are the ones being tagged" announces Tess. Pulling out three padded ottomans, Tess directs the men to finish stripping and to sit down. "Right girls. Blind-fold these fuckers. Now lie them back and use these cords to tie their hand to the legs". The men are now lying on their backs over the ottomans with their heads hanging over one end and their legs over the other, with rising erections on prominent display.

"OK girls. I've got a timer here and we are going to have three minutes on each guy in turn, switching to the next man on the bell. We'll start off sucking those nice cocks I see rising to the occasion. Then we'll switch ends and sit on their faces to see if they are as good suckers and lickers as they are fuckers. Then we'll do the round again for some more clitoral attention whilst we suck them off 69 style. Finally, we will fuck these poor aching twitching cocks, three minutes each, repeating the circle until one of them comes."

"Now girls, I want you to call out the counts as you reach each orgasm. There is a prize for the first to orgasm and a prize for the most orgasms. For you guys, there is a prize for the guy that lasts the longest before cumming."

Tess sets the timer for the first round and announces "Let the game begin".

Two minutes into the first sitting of cunnilingus, Fanny shouts "That's one" whilst her body shakes and her thighs clamp around poor Jack's head. On their second guy, Tess and Em call "One" and Fanny calls "Two" and "Three". On their third sitting,  Tess calls three more and Fanny two more. Emily is struggling to climb the peak again. In the 69 round, all three girls have three more orgasms each.

Under 69, poor Dick is struggling to hold back. He holds his breath, stiffening his legs and reciting football scores in his head to take his mind off what is happening. The switch of partner gives him a few seconds each time to back off.

In the fucking round, despite the prize incentive, all three guys can't help but to thrust back. All three just manage to pass the six minute mark. With his third partner, Tim thrusts and twists in Fanny's cunt (though neither know who the other is) until he hits her g-spot. Fanny orgasms again with a massive vaginal orgasm, her whole body shaking and her cunt clamping tightly around Tim, sucking and sucking, until he can't resist and explodes into her. As Fanny's orgasm subsides, she breathlessly whispers "That's six I think". She falls forward onto Tim's chest, their heated perspiration intermingling. Her cunt still holds Tim's slowly deflating erection in, when there is a small twitching orgasm. She giggles, saying "Seven". In the remaining two minutes she claims "Eight" and "Nine".

"Oh bugger" exclaims Tim, "I just couldn't hold out any longer".

On the final bell, the girls lean forward removing their man's blind-fold and kissing them passionately, with a "Thank you".

The girls get up and undo the men's tied hands. Tim and Fanny embrace and kiss passionately. But Dick and Jack still have raging unsatisfied erections. With a glance at each other, they each push their woman forward over a chair and with a flick of their fox tails to one side, plunge their aching hardness into the waiting red hot wet cunts and finish what the girls had started, with Jack lasting longest by about one second.

All totally exhausted, they collapse onto the settees to cool off and to catch their breath. After a couple of minutes, Tim announces, "OK guys. Dinner's not finished till we've eaten dessert". So they all immediately drop to their knees in front of their last partner and lick those creamy pussies clean.

Finally, Tess gets up and brings in glasses of iced water.

Recuperated, they get chatting and congratulating Tess on an excellent games night. Tess then brings out three packages and presents Fanny with prizes for the first and most orgasms, and Jack for lasting the longest. As a consolation prize, Tess brings out a little medallion hanging on a loop of ribbon, which she hangs over Tim's cock. There is much whooping, clapping and slapping Tim on the back.

Unfortunately, Tim and Tess only have a double shower, so the couples go off to shower in pairs, each with their final partner. In their semi-drunken state and the girls wigs, the guys still aren't quite sure who they are with. In the bathroom, Fanny removes her wig and fox tail, and Tim says, "So it's you. You were awesome". In the shower, having washed each other down, Fanny says "You were pretty awesome yourself. Come here!" and pushes Tim's head down to her groin, thrusting her pussy into his face where he licks and sucks until she comes again, "Oh thank you! That's ten. A perfect ending to a perfect evening!" exclaims Fanny.

As they dry off, Emily and Dick came into to shower, then Tess and Jack. 

All dried, Tess tells them "You can all wear your fox tails home too". With fox tails reinserted, they all collect their gear putting on just sufficient clothes to be semi-respectable for their drives home. Back with their respective partners as they head to the door, Fanny turns around and says "Our place next month?".

Click to see who else has

written erotic fiction this week.

Click to see who else is saying "MMM" on Monday.

Fucking Like A Whore?

Let me start with an apology to any readers that might find this subject matter confronting. As broad-minded sex bloggers, we must sometimes confront the bad, the ugly and sometimes simply different preferences to our own. But hang in to the end as I draw the threads together!

--------------------------------

Flirt like a girl,

Seduce like a woman,

Fuck like a whore!

I came across this quote recently on Twitter (@LostSoul2809). The thinking here seems to be that whores are MILFs that fuck with boundless, unbridled passion.

Fucking Like a MILF vs Fucking Like a Whore

Sure, a small percentage of whores are of MILF age. But the quality of sex is never dependent on the marital or parental status of a person or whether money has changed hands. Quality is always dependent on the connectedness and caring between a couple.

The types of whores and their services are as varied as the men that see them.

Whoredom - Who, Why, What!

To understand their services, one needs to understand the different reasons girls/women get into "whoredom".

• Quick money, typically students, for a limited time, though sometimes looking for a 'husband' for a 'green-card'. Experience ranges from the neophyte to the libidinous dilettante. The key words are "quick" and "money".
• A sub-set of the above, are the 'sex doll' types. They think their looks are all that is needed to hook a guy, but sex is a 'star fish' experience, a cum-dump receptical - easy money.
• The partnered worker. Generally a bit older, 25 upwards, with a husband, partner or boyfriend, though typically not yet a MILF. Her service will be colder, reserving kissing, fingering, oral-on-her, orgasms etc., for her partner.
• The divorced, separated or widowed. Perhaps with no career backup and sometimes raising children alone, sex work provides a comfortable income with flexible hours. They are generally more sexually experienced, the classic 'MILF', although a wide range of experience is found. Some are reserved, others never want a man in their personal life again, and use their sex work to satisfy their own sexual needs (with the right type of client). This is my play-ground.
• The professionals have made sex work their career. They have trained in specialist/extreme techniques and the line between professional actress and personal enjoyment is blurred.

Orgasms, Enjoyment or Mattress Actresses

I would venture a guess that only 2% of 'whores' orgasm sometimes and perhaps 30% 'enjoy' the sex, from a lot to a little. They all tolerate it for the money. They are not called "mattress actresses" for nothing - "faking it till he makes it" is very much the norm. 

Then of course there is 'The Clock' - fucking stops when the money/time runs out. Do you really want to or expect your partner to 'fuck like a whore'?

Kink, Consent and Expectations

On the other hand, if you you have flirted and seduced with the sole purpose of a NSA one-night-stand to satisfy your own sexual kink, then by all means, 'fuck like a whore'. Just make sure you are both fucking from the same play-book and understand each other's expectations.

The Attraction of MILFs (and GILFs)

As a term, 'MILF' is rather derogatory, often used by young men with no idea about respect or maturity. It is especially disrespectful as a call-out to a person that you know nothing about, based purely on appearance.

But as a concept, I think it is something to be treasured and aspired to. As a self ascribed label,  a woman is asserting her sexual desirability irrespective of age - desire doesn't stop after children. Once the pressure of trying to find "the one", a life partner, is past, then the biological clock of having a family, a woman over forty can put all that behind her. Sex should now be for fun and pleasure alone. She is at her sexual prime. A lot of promotion is put into 'Work/Life' balance, but we really need to put more effort into our 'Life/Sex' balance.

But wait. Let's not be sexist. Ladies, do you dream of your FILTH (Father/husband I Love To Hump)?

Vive la MILF (and GILF, even GrGILF, and FILTH)! (Speaking as a self proclaimed DOM!)

Click to see who else is being Wicked this Wednesday #459,
with or as a MILF.

Thank God It's You

This post is a rework of "That Smile" from 2013, to Tell You About ... Desire!

When it comes to 'desire', I have a genetic predisposition - I am a male of a certain age (17-70). The degree of desire does vary with relationship status and age. By my late 50's, being in a sexless marriage and relying on sex workers for my sexual pleasure, I found that I could last 3 weeks before the urges started to build up, but by the 4th week, I had 'blue balls' and the urge became an ache.

Now the average sex worker is in it for the money, not her own sexual desire. But occasionally one meets a gem who enjoys the sex as much as or sometimes more than the money. I immediately put her on my 'regulars' speed dial. Daniella is one such regular.

On the day in question, my ache is bad. My favourite brothel is near my home rail station, so I arrive just after 6pm. I had been seeing Daniella, my Moroccan Maid, regularly for a while. I was her last client for the day. When she saw me come in, she ran down the corridor, threw her arms around me, plants a passionate kiss, and says, "Thank God it's you. I've had a shitty day and I need some 'me' time".

With the preliminaries finished quickly, we welcome each other passionately. I quickly go down on her so the Tongue Engine can start to deliver some 'me' time. Her cunni linctus tastes as sweet as honey and my honey Daniella is really 'buzzing'. Finally, in desperation (?) she jumps me and rides me like a woman possessed, possessed with a need, the desire to be fucked, hard, to be filled, to come and come hard on me.  She twists and grinds on me, working her clit hard against my pubes, until she comes, with that deep down vaginal orgasm, that starts by clenching 'little Tom' tightly, then with spasms that spread to her thighs and legs, squeezing around me, then up her body, tensing, throwing her head back.  With such glorious, intense sensations coursing through my body too, I can't help but come with her.

Then she collapses across my chest.  Her gorgeous breasts crushed between us, her chest heaving in exhaustion, her whole body glowing with the sheen of perspiration. And she looks into my eyes with the most contented, serene smile I have ever seen. It was almost like the Cheshire Cat that got the cream (well it was my cream actually).

We lie together, she on top of me, for a couple of minutes as we catch our breaths, then she rolls off into the crook of me arm, and says, "I'm fucked.  I needed that.  I could just go to sleep in your arms".

Thanks Daniella.  You certainly know how to make a man feel like he is desired as the greatest lover in the world.

That smile?  Eat your heart out Mona Lisa!

(Click to see who else is desirable/desiring!)

Post Script

Seven year later, I am no longer of that 'certain age'. Post prostate radiotherapy, the urges of desire are now but a warm memory.

Further, with Covid-19 pandemic lock-down, all our bordellos have been closed since March 2020 and probably won't open again till about June 2021. The city of Melbourne might have managed to crush its 2nd wave of Covid, but we are still having to live in a Covid safe society. So sex with masks at approved social distance, just doesn't have any appeal.

H - Happy, Yay, Hilarious Endings (#AtoZChallenge)

If you have ever looked at a dating web-site, even if you weren't actually actively looking for a date, invariably participants' profiles include "a good sense of humour" as a requirement or as their own personality. There is a very old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone".

Laughter releases endorphin, the "feel good" hormone, into the brain. And "feel good" is a major factor in attraction between people. From earliest school age, "acting the fool" or being the "joker", is used to improve one's popularity.

Between adults, humour is an important factor in development of sexual attraction. Functional MRI scans have shown that the areas of the brain responding to humour and sexual arousal, are adjacent and both are involved in the endorphin release. So there is in fact a physiological reason for the relationship between sexual arousal and humour.

Some time ago, I wrote about "Laughter, the Best Aphrodisiac", so I won't repeat most of that, but there is one story worth repeating.

I was visiting a Lady Of Pleasure who had the nick-name of "Fire cracker" among her colleagues, because she was a very loud orgasm-er - I guess in other countries she might be known as the 'Happy Hooker'. Well the Tongue Engine had just given her her first orgasm. As she slid onto me, a second orgasm was building and she started biting her wrist. 

I asked, "Are you OK?";

To which she replied, "I don't want to make a noise; there might be someone in the waiting room next door". 

I came back with, "Well we'll give them some encouragement".

She came back with "I'll have what she's having".

With that, we both cracked up, laughing very loudly and orgasming together.

As I was leaving, the receptionist had a very big grin and asked, "Did you have a good time? Do come again" (which I do, often).

There is an expression in Australia, usually reserved for Massage Parlours that offer illegal 'optional extra service' known as a 'Happy Ending'. Well ours was an 'Hilarious Ending' - highly recommended.

 
Click to see who else is taking the challenge. 

Laughter, the Best Aphrodisiac

It is a neuro-physiological fact that the pleasure centres in the brain, for humour and sex are adjacent, so there is a good reason why we find people with similar sense of humour, attractive.  In the bedroom, humorous banter can heighten sexual enjoyment.

The following stories, all true, have appeared in this blog at various times in the past, but I thought it might be good to bring them all together under the common theme. 

"I'll Have What She's Having"

A couple of years ago, a lady-of-pleasure I was seeing, had earned the nickname from her co-workers, of "Firecracker" because when she orgasmed, she went "off like a fire-cracker" and she could be heard throughout the building.

Well, one day Sam and I were having a good time and she had had one squealing orgasm with my tongue. Once she had settled down a little, as she was sliding onto me, she had the back of her hand wedged in her mouth.  I asked if there was anything wrong.

"I don't want to make too much noise.  There might be someone in the waiting room (next door to our bedroom" was her reply.

"Don't worry about it" I said, "You might give them some encouragement".

She giggled, and came back with "I'll have what she's having!".

Well we both cracked up laughing.  As I laughed, my cock twitched inside her. This was the last straw for her and she started convulsing on me, laughing, squealing and crying all at the same time.  Needless to say, this tipped me over the edge too.  This wasn't just a 'happy ending', it was a 'hilarious ending'.

Dirty Ditties

When FB Amazing Grace found out that I wrote a BLOG, she admitted to having fun making up rhymes.  So we created a game of 'dirty ditties' and 'fractured fairy tales', taking turns to create a new line starting from an old nursery rhyme, etc. So "Goldie Locks", "Little Red Riding Hood" et al provided many fun rhymes.  If a particular 'dirty ditty' had suitable actions, these were acted out as we went. I must say her rollicking laughs as she 'rode a cock horse' sent wonderful ripples right through our connection.  Sadly, we have lost contact - I really miss those fun times. I wish I had had a recorder to capture some of those ditties.  One I remember, went:-

"Georgie Porgie full of fun,

Licked the girls and made them come.

With lady come on his chin,

He said with a grin,

Oh what a good boy am I"

Although I am a DOM now, I am still a kid at heart, and 'play time' is my favourite time.  Which reminds me, we certainly gave "Girls and boys come out to play" a jolly rogering!

So next time someone calls me a 'fuck wit', I will take it as a compliment.

Punishment Play

This isn't humour in the direct laughing sense, but a light-humoured form of role-playing. Miss A uses a game of 'punishing' little infractions. On the way up to the bedroom, she stumbled on the stairs, flashing her knickers, and then said, "Were you peeking up my dress? You will have to be punished for that".   Similarly, there will be 'punishment' for 'touching myself' in the shower, and looking at her boobs as she undresses.  Typical punishment might be to make me stand in the 'naughty corner' whilst she sucks me off.  All just playful fun, no real bondage, although once she did tie my hands to the bed-head with her stockings and draped her fragrant knickers over my face so I couldn't see her 'punish' me by having her way with me.

Role-Play

Another fun-time role-play, although not strictly humour, was with Miss D in a Nun's Habit costume. Rather than reproduce the full story here, visit the post "A Bad Habit".

Unintended Humour

Sometimes, something's said quite innocently, but is quite humorous in the situation.

I was undergoing a period of radiotherapy treatment for prostate cancer. One day, I was lying on the radiotherapy table with my pubes and mid-riff exposed.  The female operator was getting me aligned - I have had target marks tattooed on my mid-riff and thighs and a pair of laser beams show the correct alignment. Her cold hands on my thighs push and roll me a little to get alignment right. At which point she says "Beautiful!". I tell her that "Only special ladies are allowed to say that!". I get a little laugh.

A couple of days later, I have the same operator, and she says the same things. This time, I say "Well, thank you!". She says "Your welcome" and we both laugh.

Pillow Banter

Post coital pillow talk is an obvious time for humorous banter when you are both fully relaxed and bodies flooded with feel-good hormones.

Complementary Employment

Often pillow talk with Ladies of Pleasure, turns to the sort of work we do. I asked one particular lady if she had a second job. She told me that she also worked as a receptionist at a Funeral Parlour. "You have a thing about stiffs, do you?" I answered, which brought loud laughter.

Longevity

In a conversation similar to the above, we were talking about marital status. When I told this lady how long I had been married, she asked, "What's your secret to a long marriage?". My answer, "Don't get caught!"

Guess My Age

On another occasion, we were playing the game of trying to guess each others age. I said to Crystal, "Would you believe 48?", to which she tactfully replied, "I would have put you as early 50's". I replied, "No. I mean 1948". (This was over 10 years ago). Shock flashed across her face, and she started counting on her fingers, working out just how much older than her I was. When she realised what she was doing, we laughed and cuddled.

Irony and Humour

In further chatting with the above Funeral Parlour receptionist, she told me of her new boy-friend of 3 months and her issue with the fact that he has yet to make a move to have sex with her (he doesn't know about her sex work). She asked my advice, "What can I do to get my boyfriend to have sex with me?". We had quite a serious conversation about courting, but I couldn't help but have an inward smile about the irony of a sex worker asking her client, how to get her boyfriend to have sex with her.

To All the Girls I've Loved Before - Thank You

I see from my diary, that its been 10 years since my sexual liberation, so in the words of Hal David, sung variously by Willy Nelson, Julio and Englebert, I want to say 'Thank You' to "All the girls I've loved before".

 

I won't repeat my history that lead to that liberation - it was covered in 'Was the last-time, the LAST Time?'.  Sadly I confess that in that 35 years I had never had or received oral sex, nor had my lady ever orgasmed. 

It was in that time of depression that I 'saw the light', that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, emotional and physical needs. Not wishing to leave the marriage, I turned to professional help - commercial sex.

I am fortunate to live in a state and country where commercial sex is legal and regulated. So in the past 10 years I have learnt and experienced many aspects of this 'service' industry.

 
There have been 1 or 2 'star-fishes' who obviously didn't want to be there, that provide a receptacle rather than a service. 

 
There have been those that seemed quite inexperienced and nervous. There have been some that really tried to provide a good service, but there has been no 'connection'.  Can there really be a 'connection' between a sex worker and client?

I will digress slightly at this point to thank a Punter Review web forum.  This particular site encourages ladies to join in general conversations and is well moderated.  It was here that I learnt how best to choose a lady from the introductions, that might best suit my needs.  Reviews from other punters also provided recommendations and service descriptions.  So I quickly found myself enjoying the company of a number of special ladies, that I dedicate this post to.

I quickly developed skills in cunnilingus with guidance from some of my ladies. For the first time I experienced ladies that really wanted/needed sex themselves - yes, there are ladies in the sex industry that are not there just for the money, but because of their own high sex-drive needs. For the first time I experienced ladies' orgasms in all their wonderful varieties - O-O-O-OMG. Then to top this off, I found my first squirter. To all these wonderful ladies, "Thank You"!

So despite the danger of overlooking someone, here is my "Honor Roll" in roughly chronological order:-

• First off, thanks to Kelly who popped my punting cherry. Tho in hindsight, not great sex, she was a very gentle, kind lady that guided me for an enjoyable first time commercially. I almost felt like a virgin being introduced to sex for the first time. I needed it.
• Daniella was a dark horse, passed over at our first introduction, but next time I discovered a highly sexed, passionate women whose company I enjoyed over eight years. It was she who taught me the joys of DATY and nick-named me 'Thomas the Tongue Engine'. I have written about our times together three times on this blog - 'Maid in Morocco', 'That Smile' and 'A Bad Habit'.
• Megan introduced me to CIMS, snow-balling and the taste of cum. But more importantly, Megan took me out of the time-constrained commercial environment, to Booty-Buddy visits at home, of 'Breakfast with Benefits', and coping with a Buddy relationship coming to an end.
• Sandy was a hot New Zealand blonde, with whom I discovered the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms.
• April was probably the first 'screamer' I encountered, and my head in a scissor lock whilst she convulsed, won't be forgotten. And I sustained the first and only 'punch' in the nose in my whole life (from a convulsing pubic bone). If the end-of-the world was at hand, I couldn't think of a nicer lady to go out with a bang with.
• Cristal HotBabe ('The Wicked Wench of Wupert Street') was a once off PSE that you've got to try once in a life-time. It was wild, almost gymnastic with some positions I've never seen or heard of before or since.
• Kaz is an all round lovely lady - great body, good conversationalist, great kisser and great sex. I discovered that ladies that have mastered kegal muscle control can add an amazing dimension to sex - I quipped that she does 'DFF'. Also 'Munching on Special-K'.
• Grace introduced me to humour and laughter during sex. Wow, cumming and laughing at the same time is an experience. Yes, sex should be fun.
• Amber is one of those sex machines with a voracious appetite, and a very nice lady to boot.
• Ruby is an incredibly passionate lady, a great kisser and very orgasmic. I swear her prominent nipples are wired to her clit. A keen lover of cunnilingus, I was rewarded by her squirting, again and again and again. Awesome.

To these ladies and all my other companions, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!

Cunning Conversations - "I'll Have What She's Having"

Continuing my occasional series of "Cunning Conversations"....

A couple of years ago, a lady-of-pleasure I was seeing, had earned the nickname from her co-workers, of "Firecracker" because when she orgasmed, she went "off like a fire-cracker" and she could be heard throughout the building.

Well, one day we were having a good time and she had had one squealing orgasm with my tongue. Once she had settled down a little, as she was sliding onto me, she had the back of her hand wedged in her mouth.  I asked if there was anything wrong.

"I don't want to make too much noise. There might be someone in the waiting room (next door to our bedroom" was her reply.

"Don't worry about it" I said, "You might give them some encouragement".

She giggled, and came back with "I'll have what she's having!".

Well we both cracked up laughing. As I laughed, my cock twitched inside her. This was the last straw for her and she started convulsing on me, laughing, squealing and crying all at the same time.  Needless to say, this tipped me over the edge too.  This wasn't just a 'happy ending', it was a 'hilarious ending'.

Aside: Viagra works by causing the production of Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas) in the blood stream which cause the peripheral (face, and penis) blood vessels to dilate, thus improving one's erection. So there is in fact a chemical basis for the relationship between good humour and good sex.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bedroom

Whilst "Laughter is the Best Medicine" I think it squeezes in just ahead of "Sex" because Laughter can be practiced any where, any time, in public.  But laughter and sex have a lot in common in that they both release those 'feel good' hormones and endorphins. To be sure there are times, especially in a one-off encounter, where the sex is immediately hot and lustful, but in more regular sex situations, 'fun' and 'play' are key ingredients to good sex and allow the good feelings to continue after the 'come shot'. This is why role-playing and fantasies are so popular because they add to the 'fun' in exploring 'life' outside our hum-drum day-to-day situations.

I was reminded of the above recently when catching up with Miss A whom I haven't seen for over a year. She uses a game of 'punishing' little infractions. On the way up to the bedroom, she stumbled on the stairs, flashing her knickers, and then said, "Were you peeking up my dress? You will have to be punished for that". 

 

Similarly, there will be 'punishment' for 'touching myself' in the shower, and looking at her boobs as she undresses. Typical punishment might be to make me stand in the 'naughty corner' whilst she sucks me off. All just playful fun, no real bondage, although once she did tie my hands to the bed-head with her stockings and draped her fragrant knickers over my face so I couldn't see her 'punish' me by having her way with me.

Another lady, 'O Gracious One', when she found out I wrote a BLOG, admitted to having fun making up rhymes. So we created a game of 'dirty ditties' and 'fractured fairy tales', taking turns to create a new line starting from an old nursery rhyme, etc.  So "Goldie Locks", "Little Red Riding Hood" et al provided many fun rhymes. If a particular 'dirty ditty' had suitable actions, these were acted out as we went. I must say her rollicking laughs as she 'rode a cock horse' sent wonderful ripples right through our connection. Sadly, we have lost contact - I really miss those fun times. I wish I had had a recorder to capture some of those ditties.  One I remember, went:-

"Georgie Porgie full of fun,

Licked the girls and made them come.

With lady come on his chin,

He said with a grin,

Oh what a good boy am I"

Although I am a DOM now, I am still a kid at heart, and 'play time' is my favourite time. Which reminds me, we certainly gave "Girls and boys come out to play" a jolly rodgering!

So next time someone calls me a 'fuck wit', I will take it as a compliment.