Why Can't a Man Love More Like a Woman? The Orgasm Gap

Photo by Julianna Crozier, The State Press, 
published Monday, April 24, 2017.

Content Warning: This subject primarily discusses traditional cis heterosexual couples and gender characteristics described are from observational statistical norms only, and should not be interpreted as holding across the sexuality spectrum.

For the '4Thoughts or Fiction' meme prompt #174' 'The Orgasm Gap', guest host Zara Smith quotes from a research study, “Studies have consistently found that there is a gendered orgasm gap, with men experiencing orgasm more frequently than women in heterosexual sexual encounters”. The most commonly quoted statistic is that among heterosexual couples, 95% of males had an orgasm during sex (intercourse) and only 65% of females.

Interpreting the Research Data

Frankly, I'm surprised at the 65% - other research reports around 40%. But the critical issue is the restriction to "during sex/intercourse". A sexual encounter is (or should be) much more and longer than just the intercourse. What are the statistics for women's orgasms during fore (or after) play?

One factor not accounted for in this research, is age/experience. With experience, comes better communication and understanding of each other, so hopefully the gap will be less. On the other hand, older women have the issue of menopause and its effect on libido, and older men grapple with ED. The related factor is how long each couple had been in the relationship - hopefully couples in longer term relationships, with more understanding of each other, will be more likely to have a smaller orgasm gap. And what about the 'missing 5%' of males that don't orgasm - is that we septuagenarians with ED?

Other research data sometimes quoted, is the time to reach orgasm - for males it is around 5 mins, but for females it is about 15 mins. On the basis of this statistic, a couple should spend at least 10 minutes in foreplay before penetration. Or to reword an old joke, you should alternate, 10 mins 'Offer' and 5 mins 'Honour'.

Vive la Difference

Frankly, the male and female orgasm are so different, that I don't think it is even valid to compare counts of either.

First and foremost, the male orgasm is the primal response of the urge to procreate. The goal of every sexual penetrative encounter, is ejaculation, and thus orgasm. For the majority of men, ejaculation and orgasm are effectively concurrent. (But with age and especially post prostate cancer radiotherapy ED, I have found that in fact either can occur without the other). Further, my observation is that the male orgasm is primarily the pumping muscles at the base of the penis, which is quite different to female orgasms from the pelvic floor or kegal muscles, not forgetting some full body convulsing. It is only recently that I have experienced minor pelvic-floor leg shaking orgasms (after 50 years) - more of this later.

Female sex on the other hand is primarily for the hormonal responses. Release of Oxytocin during orgasm is associated with pleasure and emotional bonding. Although the vaginal orgasm (as distinct from clitoral orgasms) is also essentially the 'tie' to increase the chance of insemination, where inward sucking orgasmic convulsions hold the ejaculating penis in longer and suck the ejaculate in toward the cervix (we see this in animal servicing - my wife used to breed dogs so I have personal observation experience of 'the tie'). The anecdotal feedback I have received, is that the 'tie' type vaginal orgasm is a very small percentage of all female orgasms.

For simple males, orgasm is a single event. But for women, there is a wide variety of types of orgasm. They are most often not single events. The record I have had the pleasure of observing and being the recipient, was a cluster of several clitoral orgasms, followed by about 8 squirting orgasms (vaginal g-spot), and 1 massive vaginal orgasm (the 'tie' described above), followed by 5 or 6 'after shocks'. How does that count against my measly single 'shot'? For the above 'research', this would count as just '1' during intercourse.

The Loci of Stimulation

The key points of stimulation are the penis and the clitoris. But so many men still don't fully understand the importance of clitoral stimulation toward a woman's orgasm (despite some improvement in Sex Ed curriculum). Further, the majority don't understand the full internal structure of the clitoris, from the visible head, to the 'legs' behind the labia, down to the g-spot on the upper wall of the vagina. The entire structure is sensitive to stimulation and penetrative coitus just doesn't stimulate that very much.

The Road to Arousal

Most commonly, the stimulus for male arousal is physical, visual topping the list, followed by aural and tactile. For females, emotional triggers, romantic gestures, relational closeness, relaxing intimate atmosphere, erogenous touching, etc are more conducive to arousal. Consequently, it is the female arousal that is more easily 'punctured'.

'A woman's sex drive is related to how beautiful you make her feel!' (found on twitter, original source unknown).

Arousal of erogenous zones are understood by most people. But there are variants and nuances that should be learned. But more importantly, there are approaches and touches that are not always received well, typically by the woman. Communication is the key. Men must learn that anything they do is not necessarily OK. They must learn respect, to ask permission, "Is this OK? Do you like that?". Conversely, women must be up-front, though gentle, in saying "I don't like that!" or "Here, do it this way" (show and tell).

The next stage is timing. Men typically don't understand how long it takes for a woman to become aroused. There must be communication to indicate when it is OK to move on to the next level. This applies to all stages, from flirting, initial touching, kissing, caressing, outside clothes, under-clothes, breasts, genitals, and ultimately when she is ready for penetration.

Up to this point, the goal of arousal for both male and female, although reached by different paths, is the same, the sexual desire. For females especially, it is often called a plateau when they fail to move on to orgasm. For it is at this point where the divergence to the orgasm gap starts. Once aroused, orgasm is reached by direct stimulation of the sex organ, the penis or the clitoris - take note males, the primary female sex organ is the clitoris, NOT her vagina. Whilst penetration of the vagina readily stimulates a penis to orgasm, her clitoris is not generally stimulated enough from penetration in the typical 'missionary' position. A knowledgeable male can adjust his thrusting to ensure her g-spot gets some attention, or pubic rubbing of her labia and clitoral head. But much more successful is to use a woman-on-top position, because she knows which angles, twists and pressure points give her the stimulation she seeks. And the best variant is 'outercourse' or the 'pussy slide' where the penis and clitoris stimulate each other directly, and she can readily move on to intercourse if and when she is ready or desires.

But once we shake off the traditional concept that sex=penetration, other forms of genital stimulation of both partners is much more equitable, with hands/fingers, mouth/tongue.

Sex needs to be understood as a joint endeavour. Think of it like mountain climbing. There will be stages where one must help the other up, there will be plateaus, but to reach the summit together, you must climb together. And the  summit is sexual pleasure, not necessarily ejaculation.

Instruments of Arousal to Orgasm

We are all equipped with nature's own instruments of arousal, hands, fingers, mouth, tongue, penis and labia. But skill levels are sometimes appalling, and understanding that a partner may or may not like certain things is often not communicated. I have had the privilege of sharing cunnilingus with numerous ladies and discussed their experiences, and I am amazed at some of the stories they have told me. (I am eternally grateful to these ladies for teaching me acceptable pleasuring techniques, and I obviously learned well, with one dubbing me 'Thomas The Tongue Engine').

Mutual masturbation is an important tool for a couple to move on from initial arousal toward orgasm, together.

Arousal aids (sex toys) are becoming much more common, but again, communication is critical as to when, how and if they can be used on a partner. For females, they have become important instruments in women achieving (perhaps their first) orgasm, probably solo. It reminds me of the story where the husband says to his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?". She replies, "Because you're not around when I do"!

Perhaps you should consider (together) a 'Toy For Two' like I reviewed a while back, that provides clitoral stimulation during coitus.

"Why Can't A Man Love More Like A Woman?"

As a result of the "Orgasm Gap" and women's understanding of the reasons and their desire to 'have what he's having', I suspect there is an increase in women turning to 'bi' encounters to get the satisfaction they want, from someone that understands what a woman needs to achieve the 'Big O'. In a recent fiction piece I wrote, the key lady laments "Why can't a man love more like a woman?".

Only once men come to understand that sex is not just about their orgasm, and they start to understand how to arouse a woman, that "She comes first" and "The show's not over till the 'fat' lady sings!" will the orgasm gap start to narrow. Sexual pleasure must become the "Land of the we" instead of the "Land of the me!".

A Medical Response

I subscribe the the 'WebMD' mailing list and they regularly post information on sex life.  A recent post relevant to the Orgasm Gap, was "Habits of Couples Who Have Great Sex", summarized as:-

1. Define sex broadly - it's much more than PIV and (male) ejaculation;
2. Get educated;
3. Touch each other - physical contact builds connection and trust;
4. Confide in each other - communication;
5. Use therapy - uses resources outside yourselves;
6. Stay flexible about each others wants/needs;
7. Make time;
8. Experiment;
9. Cater to and care about satisfying your partner;
10. Seek gratification - practice makes perfect;
11. Use tools;
12. Work at it;
13. Limit porn - porn sets unrealistic expectations of what sex IRL is like;
14. Don't obsess about orgasm;
15. Read each other's cues;

Wrap Up

I wouldn't dream of calling this a 'conclusion' or the 'final word'. Many readers from the sex blogging sphere, being 'sex positive' probably don't have this issue, and think my comments all too obvious. But I know I have a lot of young, curious male readers and so I hope the above causes them to think twice about ensuring their partner orgasms as often as they do.

As always, feedback is always appreciated, positive or negative. Being a mere male observer and commentator, I'm sure there will be some females or non-binary readers, that feel I have got something wrong or missed the point, or don't have the right to speak about how a woman feels. That's fine, speak up and have your say. As a writer, I have to grapple with 'audience' issues all the time.

PS. The Modified Male Orgasm

I touched on this above, and want to come back to this subject to finish off. Can a male have a female like orgasm? To some extent, yes! Some men claim that concurrent prostate massage has led to a slight pelvic orgasm at the same time as ejaculation - with my occasional prostate massage, I haven't had this experience. But I have found that constrained ejaculation causing ejaculate to backup in the urethra almost to the bladder, has led to leg shaking pelvic orgasms. In one case, my partner clamped her mouth tightly around my glans during fellatio forcing my ejaculate to backup, then with a massive pelvic orgasm, she released an explosive geyser-like ejaculation. The other situation I am finding since my radiotherapy ED, is the use of a tight cock ring and a tight masturbation sleeve, which holds the ejaculation back from release (despite its very small volume). This 'locked-in' feeling triggers a small pelvic orgasm.

But loving more like a woman? I do my best to put my women's needs on a level footing with my own. I do my best to try and listen and follow their direction/lead. But frankly I'm not naturally a 'romantic', emotive type of bloke. The best I can do is to be aware of our differences, and consciously make adjustments in my behaviour.

Click to read other's Thoughts on the "Orgasm Gap"