N.O. - No!!! (#AtoZChallenge)

As sex bloggers, we celebrate "Yes! Yes! Yeeeees!!!!"

In the sub-genre of Kink and BDSM though, "No!" or a 'safe word' is equally important, primarily to avoid injury, but also to communicate a boundary of comfort.

Image from pixabay.com

But in all human relationships, respecting each others boundaries is important. In this time of Corona Virus quarantine and isolation, sadly there has been a rise in family violence. In marriage and committed relationships, there must always be 'give and take', or recognition and respect of each others differing boundaries. Sadly, there are still some men that think "she must give" and "I will take". In my own marriage, I wanted the traditional wording of "taking" each other, to be reversed to "giving" of ourselves to the other.

Unfortunately, the fantasy of romantic love often includes the concepts of being swept off your feet by your knight in shining armour and being taken away to his castle to live happily every after. At the heights of sexual ecstasy, utterances of wanting to be 'taken' or 'possessed' are common. But these are just enjoyable, emotional fantasies of the moment and are not constructive in mundane, day to day life.

In marriage IRL, "No!" means "No!". Sadly, it's only been in the last 30-40 years that "rape in marriage" has finally been recognized and a wife is no longer her husband's chattel, well at least here in Oz and some other countries. Sadly, there are still places and cultures where the male has all the power - please remember to pray for these oppressed women. 

As I moved into the world of transactional sex, enforcement of boundaries is even more important and has a contractual type basis. Sadly, there are still too many men that treat these Ladies of Pleasure as objects for their use and constantly try to push those boundaries. Worse are the creeps that traffic young women into their service where they aren't even permitted to utter the word "No!".

As sex bloggers, we must always remember the fine line we walk between being sex positive and remembering and respecting those who do not have such freedom.

 
Click to see who else is taking the challenge. 

K - Kissing

Kissing is one of those activities that can cover a multitude of situations. There is the simple greeting kiss on the cheek(s), which can be between friends or familial. There is the welcome back/home kiss, intense and longing. There is the goodbye kiss, also often long but sad. A variation of the goodbye kiss, is the chaste goodbye (its over), extra sad. At the other extreme is the Judas kiss.

Coming to romantic kissing, there are the erogenous kisses, caressing and exploring all the various erogenous zones of each other's bodies. Then there is the very special vulva kiss, the "Australian Kiss" or Dining At The 'Y'.

I was reminded of this kissing subject, cooling down after a very hot session with a favourite Lady Of Pleasure and she complimented me on my kissing style. She then made a comment about another client's kissing style (open mouthed) that she found a total turn-off. Thus our conversation turned to various kissing styles that we had encountered, both as client and service provider.

Top (or is that bottom) of my list (of turn-offs), is the "non-kisser" - she thinks it is 'too personal'. OK, I respect her choices but I reserve my choice to not book her. "Too personal"? WTF? She isn't taking me into the bedroom to shake hands after all? This is a warning sign of a possible "star-fish" experience.

Then there is the "tight lipped" kisser. She might as well be a "non-kisser". I expect this sort of kiss from my maiden aunt.

Turning to the slightly quirky, there is the "lip nibbler" (top or bottom) - usually as a way of kissing yet avoiding "the tongue!"

Next is the "open mouther" my friend described. I find it hard to imagine - he "kissed" her with mouth fixed open with no movement of lips or tongue - strange!

The "hot-rod tongue" kisses with his/her tongue held hard and straight into the other's mouth.  When I encounter this type, I am tempted to suck on it like a lollipop. When used in cunnilingus, many ladies find this "tongue fucking" a bit of a turn-off too until she is good and ready.

Then there is the "not after you've been down there" type. OK, I respect her choice. I just wish I knew at the start so we could arrange our "moves" in a more suitable sequence.

Now we come to my type - "French" kissing (or DFK). This kissing is dynamic as lips and tongue caress each other and intertwine.  My best ladies and I find it such a turn-on.

Finally, the converse of the "not after you've been down there" type, you occasionally meet a "snow baller" - after having Cum In her Mouth (CIM) you then share your linctus together. Its not to every-body's taste mind you. Conversely, if I have given her a cream-pie, I am a gentleman and I am more than ready to clean up my mess and share if she likes. My mother always said, "Don't lick the plate!", but I never took any notice of mother.

Have I missed any styles?

Click to see who else is Mouthing off

this Wicked Wednesday #458

Why Doesn't She Respond to Cunnilingus?

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Cunnilingus - Responses

To wrap up my trilogy on Cunnilingus, starting with "Cunnilingus 101" then "Cunnilingus Don'ts", I thought it was time to write a follow-up post about the female responses to cunnilingus.  Again, like the original post, this is purely one man's observations, so additional feedback, especially from lady readers, would be very much appreciated.

Of the dozens and dozens of ladies I have had the pleasure and delight of "dining on", every one responded differently.  I will try to roughly group them by similarity of response.

The Unexpected

With many professional Ladies of Pleasure, orgasm can be a wearying drain on a day full of clients.  Thus many refuse cunnilingus outright.  I remember one lovely young thing agreeing, but saying that she probably wouldn't be able to cum - I was delighted to have her bucking in under 5 minutes.  Another neophyte didn't even expect that she could or was "allowed" to cum in a commercial arrangement - she squealed with surprise and delight when she did.

One A Day

Not all ladies are able to be multi-orgasmic.  One special buddy of mine, could only ever have one orgasm per day.  So we timed our meetings so that that one was a mighty good one.

Vocality

Vocal response during orgasm varies from a small grunt and sigh, through "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God, Yes!", to the "screamer"s - one lady I saw was nicknamed "Firecracker" - she went off so loudly that everybody in the place knew it.  Some others wanted to, but bit on their wrist to hold it back.  But beware, her verbal response is easily exaggerated.

Encouragement

When a lady is really starting to appreciate your ministrations you will receive encouraging signs.  She will be pushing back into you.  I have had ladies who I could swear their vulva was kissing me back.  Then there are those that give directions - take notice - she knows what she likes so let her guide you.  Then there are ladies that grab my head and pull my face hard against their cunt, twisting and squirming their pelvis against my face  - just be careful she doesn't suffocate you.

The Linctus of Love

Probably the first obvious response is lubricating.  Like all the responses listed her, the degree will vary enormously from lady to lady and time to time.  But from my experience at least, gushing or squirting is highly unlikely from cunnilingus alone.  I would certainly like to hear if your experience differs.

The Lichter Scale

I have had enough ladies 'in my face' to know that the intensity of the female orgasm is very much an individual thing and that 'stronger' does not automatically imply 'better', so I won't put any numbers on the Lichter scale.  I have ladies who's orgasms are a ripple through their body.  And I've had ladies who's orgasms seize their body totally stiff - pity me if I have their legs around my neck.  There are orgasms that are a single contraction with perhaps a single after-spasm. On the other hand, I have had ladies who contracted repeatedly, perhaps up to a dozen times.

Controlled Release

Occasionally I meet a lady who knows her own body very well, an obvious player of her fine instrument.  Although technically on the receiving end, she controls and paces her response, not allowing herself to tip over the edge of full orgasm.  She prefers to rumble along a plateau of pre-orgasm, then only let herself go when she is good and ready for maximum effect.

Clitoral vs Vaginal Orgasm

This is one of those topics that is more meaningful to ladies than to we mere males.  It took me 2 years of 'research' before I encountered a practical demonstration.  This particular lady was quite multi-orgasmic.  After her third or fourth (clitoral) orgasm, I added some digital stimulation of her G-spot to my cunnilingus.  Suddenly there was a deep-down, almost rumbling sort of contractions that built up and up to a full body orgasm.    Her response was "Oh God, I needed that.  I haven't had one of those for months".

The Blossoming

One of the most beautiful sights for a cunnilinguist, is the blossoming of your ladies vulva.  Again, the degree of response is highly individual and highly dependant on the lady's personal anatomy (go and read "Pussy Pride" if you are not fully aware of the wide diversity of vaginal anatomy).  Like an erectile response, her inner labia engorge with blood, swelling until they spread the outer labia and 'pop' out like a flower bud opening.  By this time, her vagina is gaping open, calling to you, "Come and fuck me".  (The particular lady I visualise with fond memories, was coincidentally a "one-a-day" lady).

Read up on Sexual Arousal at “https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Sexual_arousal”.

Bon Appetit

Well that's enough for now. Your feedback and sharing your own experiences would be greatly appreciated.

All that's left to say, is "Bon appetit!".

Cunnilingus Don'ts

With the popularity of my "Cunnilingus 101" post, and after discussing it with my buddy, Oh Gracious One (OGO), and she telling me of some of her turn-offs, I thought it time I wrote about the "Don'ts" of cunnilingus.

No Means No!

Even in a "commercial" arrangement, this still applies - this is a negotiable option only.  And it doesn't just mean a verbal "No"!  If your lady pushes you away or expresses discomfort or dislike, that's still "No!".  Proceeding with unwanted cunnilingus is "Rape" in some jurisdictions, or at least "Sexual assault".  Reread my original post  and RESPECT your ladies wishes.

Don't Bite

I could hardly believe OGO when she said that she had men bite her lady bits. Firm nibbling with your lips perhaps if she agrees, but biting - ouch. How would you like it if she sunk her teeth into the tip if your cock? Oh, you do?  Its all about preferences - respect each others.

Beware Stubble Rash

Facial hair, like public hair, is a choice and acquired taste.  The two-day-old stubble might look "manly" but even 5-o'clock shadow can be quite irritating on a ladies sensitive bits. I always try and have a fresh shave before visiting my ladies. I did forget once and my lady told me it was rough - so I placed my hands on her inner thighs so my stubbly cheeks don't touch her skin and a wonderful time was had by all.

Don't be a Pussy

OGO told me that one of her pet peeves is the man that lightly flicks his tongue on her bits.  She likes her cunnilingus full on, like Deep French Kissing on the mouth.  Again, find out what each individual lady likes.

Oral Hygeine

No-one like kissing anyone with halitosis. But with cunnilingus, the risk of infection is higher. So gum disease, bleeding gums or cold sores on the lips means cunnilingus is off the menu, just like if she has her period. But kissing of her erogenous zones, ears, neck breasts, inner thighs or mons can be a real turn-on.

Long Nails are Not In

If you plan on searching for her "G" spot, your finger nails had better be clipped and filed.

Your "Visiting Kit"

When visiting my ladies, I have my own "visiting kit" - razor, tooth brush, mouth wash, deodorant, nail clippers, massage oil and condoms.  Be a good scout and Be Prepared, and you will be hearing "Don't stop!", instead of "DON'T!".

Cunning Conversations - Use It or Lose It

Continuing my occasional series on "Cunning Conversations"....

I first saw D almost 5 years ago (see Maid In Morocco) and I was a regular for a couple of years until she moved out west, so I see her only occasionally now (yes, this is the 'D' of the afore-mentioned "Bad Habits").

On my last catch-up, she was telling me about her latest alternative work venture - getting her Heavy Truck Driver's License!  In some ways it's hard to imagine this beautiful, trim, taut MILF driving a 10 tonne truck, but having known her a little, I'm not surprised.

Right through a number of second-jobs, has been her constant work as a "Lady Of Pleasure".  I asked her if the truck driving meant I wouldn't be seeing her any more. Her reply was, "It's a case of Use It or Lose It, and I don't intent to lose IT!".

I guess for a single mum of teenage kids, not wanting another man/relationship in her life, this line of work both supports her financially, and she also gets to keep her own sexual desires satisfied (at least with her 'best' clients - there are always the occasional dud roots).  Thank goodness for the legalized status of the profession in Australia that allows ladies to choose this career safely and without coercion (and thank goodness for we gents who delight in their company).

Au Naturale? Oui? Non?

Let me say right up front, that this post is not meant to be "preachy".  Whilst I normally practice "safe sex", there have been the occasional times with one or two of my very special regular ladies, when we have got a bit "carried away" in the passion of the moment, and I have no regrets about that.

But I do want to high-light the realities of STDs, but in a balanced "risk" based assessment.

An Historical Perspective

First up, STD are not a new thing (though the deadly HIV virus is relatively new). During the two world-wars, military hospitals treated more VD (as it was known then) cases than battle injuries.  In OZ immediately after WW-I there was an epidemic of syphilis.  Returned servicemen picked up the "clap" in the brothels of Egypt, Palestine and France, returned home and infected their wives and subsequently their new-born children.  It is estimated that around 1920, 10% of Australian babies were born with syphilitic conditions.  This STD epidemic did not get publicity because, (a) such things were not discussed, and (b) it was over-shadowed by the influenza pandemic.

WW-II brought penicillin and other antibiotics and VD became a "mild", treatable annoyance.

Now I won't pursue the historical line, but rather I want to focus on the epidemiology of the situation.  We are talking about contagious diseases spread through inter-personal (sexual) contact.

WHO - The Risk Network

Epidemiologists talk about the "Risk Network" of who has had contact with who. In this case, who have your partners had sex with and who have your partner's partners had sex with, etc.  It is the "six degrees of separation" scenario.  The following diagram from the California Department of Health Services maps the sexual inter-relationship network at a college in Colorado Springs where an outbreak of gonorrhea occurred in the 1980s'.

The majority of students only had 1 or 2 partners, but you can clearly see that there are about 5 individuals who were highly sexually active and most students were only 2 or 3 couplings away from these focii of infection.

HOW - Mechanisms of Contagion

The next aspect of epidemiology is the mechanism of infection.  With STDs, we are talking about blood-born viruses so infection is essentially through blood-blood contact.  Thus shared syringes and open wounds are the highest risks.  But the lining of the vagina, penis and urethra have millions of blood capillaries very close to the surface of the skin and trans-cutaneous (through the skin) infection is highly likely.  The viral load in saliva is effectively non-existent - the chief risk of oral infection is via cold-sores, ulcers, etc.

RISK MITIGATION

Barriers to the "How"

The condom is still the most effective method of avoiding contagion.  With the range of thicknesses and sizes (girth), with some experimentation, you should be able to minimise any discomfort and loss of sensitivity.  But correct use is still essential (fitting it on and withdrawal immediately on completion to avoid slipping off).

The question of barriers for oral (condoms for fellatio and dams for cunnilingus) is open to debate.  The medics at my STD clinic tell me the risks from uncovered oral are minimal when there are no skin lesions on either partner.

Minimise Contagion "Entry Points"

In mentioning lesions, remember that contagious transfer can still occur in the uncovered pubic areas if there are warts, pimples, cuts, etc.  Similarly with lip and mouth ulcers, cold sours etc.  At home, we avoid kissing if either of us have a cold.  Show the same respect to your sexual partners.  In sport we now have the "blood rule".  Apply the same rule to your sexual activity - if you (or your partner) have any open sores, then avoid intimate contact.

This is probably a good place to recommend you discover, explore and enjoy the full gamut of intimate interactions.  A guy is much more likely to "get into trouble" if he is only focused on the one outcome, of "getting his rocks off" as quickly as possible.  Also, having sex when drunk is also dangerous.  A little liquor might help relax you, but with too much you quickly loose inhibition required for rational choice and risk minimization.

Choice of Partner - the "Who"

This very much falls into the risk minimization category rather than prevention.  Historically, prostitutes have been the principal source of infection.  But in recent decades, especially in countries like Australia with regulated prostitution, this situation has completely reversed.  Recent surveys (in OZ) have shown that regulated prostitutes have the lowest incident of STD of any sexually active demographic.  In STD clinics, infected men are 5 times more likely to have caught it from a casual encounter (pickup at the pub/club?) than from a prostitute.  Since regulation, there have been zero cases in HIV identified among regulated/tested prostitutes.  As one wag put it, professional electricians rarely get electrocuted - it is the weekend amateur that is in greatest risk.  As I have written elsewhere, under Australian regulations, prostitutes are required to always practice "safe sex" (I would guess that we have better than 95% compliance) and must have monthly STD health checks (as good as 100% compliance with brothels records checked at random).  Most perform a visual check of potential clients and any suspect conditions will have you turned away.

In whatever sort of "relationship", the key is communication and trust.  And that is two way.  Its not just "Can I trust her?", but "Can she trust me?".  I mentioned health checks above - you do have checkups yourself I hope. Take your share of the responsibility.

Early Detection and Treatment

Generally, men are not good at caring about their own health. Surely your sexual health is as important or more-so than your general health. Get to know your own body - yes self examination applies to men too. In OZ we have free, anonymous sexual health clinics - use them. If we expect our Ladies of Pleasure to have monthly check-ups, we should show them the courtesy of having ourselves checked as well, say 6 or 12 monthly.

Like most diseases, the earlier anything is detected, the sooner treatment can start and the quicker you will recover.

The Bottom Line - Risk, the Numbers "Game"

Now I'm no professional in this area and I can't put numeric probabilities on various aspects of risk and mitigation. All of life is risky. Just keep things in proportion in your mind. There is no point in being paranoid about contracting HIV from a drop of semen on the skin when the risk of being run-over by a car when crossing the road outside is a ten thousand times higher.

Outside of a monogamous or closed polygamous relationship, I don't advocate 'au naturale' as your normal 'modus operandi'. But having followed all the above risk mitigations, I am comfortable in taking the risk of an occasional "in flagrante delicto".

Be Informed

A short post like this can't possibly cover all aspects of this topic. So read up further. If in any doubt, talk to a medical practitioner (use one of the free anonymous services). And feel free to add your informative comments, though I do have the power of moderation.

Cunnilingus 101

Since "Cunning Linctus" is the result of good cunnilingus, I thought the time was long overdue for a "Cunnilingus 101" post.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not professing to be an expert, though many of my ladies have made very complimentary noises ("Oh my God, don't stop!").  I have learnt by trial and error (fortunately not too much of the later).  And I am writing as a male, so you should also get some female perspectives.

From the start, you need to understand that it is not just about technique, but like all good sex, is very much about attitude, mood and personal "connectedness".  So if you have come together with mutual 'joie de vivre' and desire for mutual pleasure, then you have started off on the right foot.  

Invitation to Dine At The “Y”?

Now it might seem trite and obvious, but ensure beforehand that the lady will be receptive, either by explicit or implicit Q&A in the introduction (whether face-to-face, by phone or e-mail).  Remember, that in the commercial environment, not all ladies are willing to provide this level of service (see my "Respecting Personal Preferences and Space" post). Some ladies don't like it on a first visit - wait until you have got to know each other a bit.  Also, time-of-day and time-of-month come into play.  I have had some ladies turn down an offer because she has had “too many clients just trying to make me come”!  Personally, I find ladies most receptive in their first booking of the day/week, or last booking of the day when they are ready for some “me time”.

Preparation

Again, it might seem trite and obvious, but it still needs to be stated - make sure you have prepared yourself physically before your encounter - freshly smooth shaved, showered, deodorized, nails closely trimmed, teeth brushed and gargled, and of course you won't be punting if you have mouth ulcers, cracked lips or cold-sores (you don't want to be giving or receiving anything except pleasure)!

Warming Up

So, now you're in the bedroom.  Sure, the punting situation is time-constrained, but the "warm-up" and "get-to-know" phases are still important.  Don't just dive straight in - there will be carressing, kissing, and discovering erogenous zones, neck, ear-lobes, breasts, nipples.  Slowly work your way down her body with light kissing and licking, perhaps down one leg, up the inner thighs, across her pubes, then the other leg and back up, circling in on her sweet spot.

Anatomy 101

Lets pause at this point to ensure you have a working knowledge of the female genital anatomy - the outer and inner lips (labia), the location of the clitoris and urethra (advanced Linguists will also need to know the location of the "G-spot").  Internet photos and video will help in understanding the enormous variety, but only with experience can you appreciate the variety of "innies", "outies" and "flaps", prominent and embedded clits, not to mention artificial adornments.

Technique - More Lips, Less Tongue

In terms of technique, I can't go much better than the phrase from fellow dearly departed blogger ‘The Barreness’ - "More lips, less tongue" (and definitely no teeth!).  Cunnilingus is much more akin to kissing than intercourse, and should not be seen as an opportunity to fuck your lady with your tongue (or finger), though digital stimulation of her G-spot may be used by experience practitioners once she is fully excited, if agreeable.

Its not a good idea to home straight in on her clit. Perhaps kiss your way up her inner thigh, circle the outer labia. Gently lick across the inner labia, very gently sucking each lip in turn. Lick up and down her slit, from her clit to gently parting her lips with your tongue. Well, you can work out the rest...

Be Sensitive to Feedback

Be guided by your lady’s responses.  If in doubt ask her if she likes something.  If she puts her hands on your head and pulls you hard into her or wraps her legs around you in a neck lock, then you know you are doing something right - just beware the orgasmic pelvic 'punch in the nose'.  Be aware that she will get super-sensitive and that you then need to pull back or stop (unless of course she screams “No! No! NO!!! DON’T STOP!!!”.

Also be aware of the variety or intensity and frequency of female orgasm.  Some ladies will not come easily.  Others only come once.  There is a plateau state where a lady will shudder on the brink for some time.  Mostly you will encounter clitoral orgasms, but deep vaginal orgasm typically from G-spot stimulation is something different.  It wasn’t until I triggered one once that I now understand the difference - “My god.  I haven’t had one of those for months!” was her response.

Know When to Back Off

As part of your feedback, be sensitive about when it isn't working and when you need to back off. In your early attempts, don't be discouraged if you just can't make it work for your lady. Or it simply just might not be her day. Be respectful, and don't overstay your welcome.

Give Her Time To Recover

Be aware of her sensitivity afterwards.  She might not be ready to progress straight into intercourse.

Post DATY Benefits

If you have pleasured your lady well, she will very likely be highly desirous to have her fill of you.  There is just nothing as good as a very horny lady grinding her pubes against you till you both come together.

Feedback Your Experiences

I would love to hear of your experiences (and I’m sure other readers would too).  Do you have any tips to add or question to put out there?  I know this post had only skimmed to topic, so perhaps there might be an “Advanced Cunnilingus” somewhere in the future.

Respecting Personal Preferences & Space

The big lie of the anti-prostitution lobby (and Hollywood) is the "straw-man" argument that generalizes all "working" ladies as down-and-out drug addicts controlled and abused by their "pimps".  Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

However, as punters it is also easy for us to fall into the trap of expecting all "services" to be the same just because we are paying for them.  But these ladies are individuals with their own preferences and prejudices, feelings and foibles, from the same gamut of backgrounds and relationships as we of the punter population, and deserve to be shown the same respect as anyone else.

Because the service she is selling is such a personal service, unlike any other service or goods for sale, it is imperative that the buyer and the seller should come to an understand at the very beginning of what the ground-rules, preferences and boundaries are. (However, what I am not particularly happy with are the artificial boundaries some ladies put up simply to extract extra cash).

For example, anyone who has 'known' a number of ladies quickly discovers that there is a wide range of natural kissing styles, just as I am sure the ladies will say the same about the gentlemen they see.  But what we are discussing here is when a lady finds passionate kissing too "personal" for her liking - perhaps she has a special friend or partner for whom she wants to reserve that right.  Respect her choice.

If a lady is not comfortable with something you are asking for, then don't make the booking.  If she is offering services beyond your comfort zone, then draw your line - if its in the middle of service just say "I'm not comfortable with that, lets not go there".  Respect each others choices.

I have encountered a wide range or ladies' preferences, from the "star fish" that wanted no personal interaction at all and saw her role purely as a "receptical" for her client (never booked her again), to the almost sex-crazed nymphomaniac (a regular I see as often as I can cope with her).

So lets look at some of these personal preferences:-

Kissing restriction on certain erogenous zones (ear lobes, neck, nipples, toes, etc)? Respect her preferences.

Oral on you, yes, no, with or without? (Note in some Australian states, this is now a legal issue though how it can be policed beats me). Respect her preferences.

Blow-job - COF, Spanish, CIM, swallow? Respect her tastes.

Oral on her, yes or no? Respect her preferences.

Fingering - clitoral stimulation only or internal G-spot? Respect her preferences.

Use of toys? On her? On you? Food as toys? Respect each others preferences.

Fantasies and dress-up? Type? 'French Maid' might be OK, but 'baby diaper' might be too far.  Respect her preferences.

'Dirty' talk? Respect her preferences.

Sexual intercourse itself is a given for 'escort' and brothel services, but recognize that ladies that opt for stripper and exotic dancing services are NOT offering full sex.  So don't embarrass yourself and ask or pressure a lady.  Respect her choice.

Then there are services beyond the 'normal' which are more likely to attract an extra charge and are more usually special offerings advertised.

Anal (Greek)?

B&D

Dom/Sub? Pain?

Sex is meant to be an enjoyable activity, so don't spoil it for yourself or your lady by pushing beyond a person's comfort zone.

x