Little Black Spreadsheet

To be honest, before blogging, I was never one for writing in a journal or diary, other than dates of appointments and birthdays to remember. I am of the Baby Boomer generation, where "Little Black Book" was a literal paper book.

After a long dry spell in a lustless marriage, I decided to confirm how bad it was and put a pocket diary and pencil in my bedside drawer, into which I would log every time we had sex. Twelve months later I pulled it out and found it empty. That's when I found an unopened box of condoms that had passed their expiry date.

When I decided to address my unhappiness with some transactional sexual pleasure, I started a (Little Black) spreadsheet, my FOTM book, of who, where, when and quality of service. By having a written record, I had something to trigger memories, like ‘pinching’ oneself to remind yourself that this is real, that I was crawling out of that hole of depression, that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness.

But in time, it’s purpose changed to more of a management tool. It helped in selecting the type of Ladies Of Pleasure (LOP) I would see, which brothels had the best ladies (to my taste), frequency vs length of service. I remember discussing this point with one special lady, of shorter encounters (30 mins) more frequently, or longer 1 hour encounters less frequently. Of course, I was sucked (literally) into longer encounters more frequently! The diary also provided a form of budget monitoring.

Further, I was able to keep a record of which ladies were available on which days of the week.

It also helped me in discovering what aspects of sex I enjoyed best. Each encounter was rated (1-5) in 5 categories, ‘KODSQ’, Kissing, Oral (fellatio), DATY (cunnilingus), Sex (coitus), and overall Quality of service (personal connection, attitude, etc). In time, I found some exceptional ladies that qualified for a 6 or 7/5 on some points, then later I high-lighted the date of some encounters in red for “above and beyond the call of duty” (House rules). These exceptional ladies fell into the 'nympho' category where their pleasure was as important as mine. Buddy pleasure extends well beyond the purely physical.

(Note that there are no categories for looks or body type)!

(Wow! 30 times with 20 ladies in 12 months back in 2011. Sort of broke my 'monthly' rule. Sadly, 2019 totaled just 2).

When I started blogging ‘The Cunning Linctus’, it was initially a personal journal of specific encounters with my Ladies Of Pleasure, especially for very special or interesting times. I started a ‘Cunning Conversations’ series of some of my very interesting post coital pillow talks. In time, the blog became public and I started addressing broader issues like sex education, writing/blogging techniques, then later I added in erotic fiction.

Now some 13 years since it started, with Covid lock-downs and generally less time to sample who’s out there, I used it for forward planning. As I read reviews of ladies I found interesting, I made a note of name, place, availability and types of service (as reviewed), then as I found more reviews of a lady, I updated the details with the accuracy of the ratings. So when an opportunity arose, I had a list of possibilities to choose from and some expectation of the type of service I might get.

But come 2021, we are in this city's 6th Covid lock-down. My last 2 excursions have been more like 'buddy calls' than 'booty calls'. Post prostate ED recovery hasn't been quite as successful as I hoped. So it might be time for my LBS to be relegated to the book of memories beside the photo albums.

Click to see who else has been Wicked
especially when diarized!

Lustless Relationship Survivors Memorial

Survivors

I've just been watching on TV, the US National Covid-19 Memorial service and was moved to write this post. First, can I reach out in love and compassion to fellow bloggers that have family that have had or are currently going through Covid-19 illness. Receive our virtual hugs from near (appropriately socially distanced) and far.

The second trigger was a survey on twitter that I saw yesterday, about frequency of sex in a relationship, showed that 30% of respondents  said "What sex?".

Memorial - Sharing Pain

So I just want to reach out to fellow sufferers/survivors of lustless relationships, to let you know you are not alone, that by sharing our experiences in our blogs that we are supporting each other. Frankly, when I read posts of wonderful sex between couples, I sometimes have my eyes well up a little, not exactly in jealousy, but a with twinge of pain.

But let's also remember and reach out to our partners that have lost or never had libido. In neurophysiological literature, like this, we see the multi-faceted parts of the brain involved in sexual arousal. In our current context, it is important to note the functions of the 'prefrontal cortex' and 'cingulate cortex' in blunting or suppressing sexual response and processing conflicting responses. 

• There are small numbers whose brain fails to develop certain parts (nature). 
• Then there are those whose nurture has trained their brains with so much negativity to human sexuality, that those blunting, suppression circuits over-ride sexual stimulation. The 'training' doesn't have to be explicitly sex-negative - growing up under an abusive parent can leave an indelible scar of negative feelings about that gender in general.
  
• Even a simple fall off a bicycle by a child, can cause Acquired Brain Trauma which can damage those delicate libido circuits. 
• Lets remember especially, those girls that through cultural norms, have had their genitals mutilated to deliberately deny them sexual pleasure.
• Lets remember couples who's relationship has broken down in the broadest sense, that withdrawal of sexual relations comes out of anger and punishment.
• Now we come to the later-life loss of libido, that once was present, but lost due to accident, disease, aging or high pressures of life. Aging libido is often just  slowing of response and lack of spontaneous response. The other side of that coin is organic disease where despite libido desire, the body doesn't respond - the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Some diseases, say like testicular cancer, so mess with a man's self-image, that their libido is irreparably psychologically damaged. I've heard similar stores about women after a mastectomy. After aging, the largest numbers would be car accident victims, whether ABT or paraplegia.
  

The Other Half

So how do we, the other half of the situation, cope with endless 'head-aches', 'sympathy fucks' ("Oh, alright if you must. Hurry up, hop on and get it over with"), to outright withdrawal of intimacy - 'don't touch me', to separate bedrooms? There are three responses needed:-

• Where libido is simply diminished or slow to respond, we the other party, must never pressure, but work to remove external pressure, make special times together and enjoy what you can achieve together.
  
• Relationship repair and nurture. Note however, that many of the above causes can't be 'fixed' with counseling of psychology. It is mostly a matter of making the most of what you do have, non-sexually. But if there is broad relationship breakdown, perhaps the best solution is to sever the relationship sooner than later.
  
• The other is recognizing your own needs for happiness, to Love Yourself. Hopefully, you can get your partner to at least understand, agree with or go along with your solution. It might be having your partner assist you in relieving your ache. At the other extreme you might need to pay for transactional relief.
  

God Given Sex

Finally, in response to the religious sex-negative types. Sex and libido are God given parts of our lives. I would venture to say that they are the most God-like parts of our being, in that they are the core of the creation of life. Couples that enjoy great sex, often say that there is a spiritual component to that part of their life. In the Christian bible, in the book of Genesis 1:27-28, God commands, "Go forth and have sex (multiply)", so who are we to disobey God's command.

"Love Your Partner As Yourself"