Lustless Relationship Survivors Memorial

Survivors

I've just been watching on TV, the US National Covid-19 Memorial service and was moved to write this post. First, can I reach out in love and compassion to fellow bloggers that have family that have had or are currently going through Covid-19 illness. Receive our virtual hugs from near (appropriately socially distanced) and far.

The second trigger was a survey on twitter that I saw yesterday, about frequency of sex in a relationship, showed that 30% of respondents  said "What sex?".

Memorial - Sharing Pain

So I just want to reach out to fellow sufferers/survivors of lustless relationships, to let you know you are not alone, that by sharing our experiences in our blogs that we are supporting each other. Frankly, when I read posts of wonderful sex between couples, I sometimes have my eyes well up a little, not exactly in jealousy, but a with twinge of pain.

But let's also remember and reach out to our partners that have lost or never had libido. In neurophysiological literature, like this, we see the multi-faceted parts of the brain involved in sexual arousal. In our current context, it is important to note the functions of the 'prefrontal cortex' and 'cingulate cortex' in blunting or suppressing sexual response and processing conflicting responses. 

• There are small numbers whose brain fails to develop certain parts (nature). 
• Then there are those whose nurture has trained their brains with so much negativity to human sexuality, that those blunting, suppression circuits over-ride sexual stimulation. The 'training' doesn't have to be explicitly sex-negative - growing up under an abusive parent can leave an indelible scar of negative feelings about that gender in general.
  
• Even a simple fall off a bicycle by a child, can cause Acquired Brain Trauma which can damage those delicate libido circuits. 
• Lets remember especially, those girls that through cultural norms, have had their genitals mutilated to deliberately deny them sexual pleasure.
• Lets remember couples who's relationship has broken down in the broadest sense, that withdrawal of sexual relations comes out of anger and punishment.
• Now we come to the later-life loss of libido, that once was present, but lost due to accident, disease, aging or high pressures of life. Aging libido is often just  slowing of response and lack of spontaneous response. The other side of that coin is organic disease where despite libido desire, the body doesn't respond - the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Some diseases, say like testicular cancer, so mess with a man's self-image, that their libido is irreparably psychologically damaged. I've heard similar stores about women after a mastectomy. After aging, the largest numbers would be car accident victims, whether ABT or paraplegia.
  

The Other Half

So how do we, the other half of the situation, cope with endless 'head-aches', 'sympathy fucks' ("Oh, alright if you must. Hurry up, hop on and get it over with"), to outright withdrawal of intimacy - 'don't touch me', to separate bedrooms? There are three responses needed:-

• Where libido is simply diminished or slow to respond, we the other party, must never pressure, but work to remove external pressure, make special times together and enjoy what you can achieve together.
  
• Relationship repair and nurture. Note however, that many of the above causes can't be 'fixed' with counseling of psychology. It is mostly a matter of making the most of what you do have, non-sexually. But if there is broad relationship breakdown, perhaps the best solution is to sever the relationship sooner than later.
  
• The other is recognizing your own needs for happiness, to Love Yourself. Hopefully, you can get your partner to at least understand, agree with or go along with your solution. It might be having your partner assist you in relieving your ache. At the other extreme you might need to pay for transactional relief.
  

God Given Sex

Finally, in response to the religious sex-negative types. Sex and libido are God given parts of our lives. I would venture to say that they are the most God-like parts of our being, in that they are the core of the creation of life. Couples that enjoy great sex, often say that there is a spiritual component to that part of their life. In the Christian bible, in the book of Genesis 1:27-28, God commands, "Go forth and have sex (multiply)", so who are we to disobey God's command.

"Love Your Partner As Yourself"