The State of the Onion

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone"!

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 – 1919)

My 'state' at this point, is a bit like an onion, crinkly dry skin, a white tossled top, the dark brown of youth now salt and pepper. As you peel the skin, there are multiple layers, enough to make you cry. Now I don't want to bore you with the problems of my union, I've touched on it enough in other posts, so lets have some fun.

(I did NOT have sexual relations with THAT woman)

Now a State of the Union address is like an Annual Report, with a Profit and Loss (Cost/Benefit) Statement listing all the Income and Expenditures to see if you've come out ahead or behind (Profit or Loss) for the year. The Balance Sheet lists all your Assets and Liabilities at the time of the report to see if you are sufficiently liquid to continue going forward.

Expenditure/Costs (March 2020 - February 2021)

• 6 packets of Viagra
• 2 cock rings and 1 novelty 'bunny' ring with vibrating bullet
• 1 'Pocket Pussy' and 2 bottles lube
• 1 printed copy of "The Best of The Cunning Linctus" (present for buddy)
• 1 clit sucking combination dildo (present for buddy)
• 1 pr 'Spoiler' printed nickers (present for buddy)
• 4 pr silky g-string pyjamas for self
• 1 box covid-safe face masks
• 1 bottle sanitizer
• 200 hours writing blog posts and comments
• 4 x 30min sessions of R&R (Rut'n Recreation @ std rate of $300/hr)
  Note: with Covid and lock-downs, opportunities have been very limited.
• 3,000 hours personal care for Lady T.

Income/Benefits

• 4 Rut'n Toot'n Clit Lick'n respite sessions with buddy
• 50 DIY orgasms with PP
• 100's of hours enjoyable reading of sex blogs, porn and enjoying the community
• Government funded 'aged care assistance' for Lady T, including fortnightly house keeping

Assets (as at 1st March 2021)

• 1 tongue in perfect clit-lick'n order
• Overall good health and the prostate cancer issues has been fully resolved
• Loving, supportive family and delightful grand-children
• Pre-approved government funding for aged/nursing home care when needed
• Sound pension investment portfolio
  Note: after a sharp drop in value at the start of the covid pandemic, a rebalancing of investments out of international property (airports, shopping centres, toll-roads, etc, all of which were badly affected by covid) into bio-tech and 'green' stock has seen a rebound to pre-covid levels.

Liabilities

• 1 aging penis in need of regular chemical assistance and sexercise
• Lady T's declining health and mobility

Auditors Report

Due to undocumented expenditures and the ephemeral nature of some of the 'income', assets and liabilities, I am unable to certify the veracity of the above operating statements of Sir Thomas TTE, although I am sure there is truth in every item reported. I also note that there is no provision for income tax liabilities.

Click to read other 'States of Unions'

H - Happy, Yay, Hilarious Endings (#AtoZChallenge)

If you have ever looked at a dating web-site, even if you weren't actually actively looking for a date, invariably participants' profiles include "a good sense of humour" as a requirement or as their own personality. There is a very old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone".

Laughter releases endorphin, the "feel good" hormone, into the brain. And "feel good" is a major factor in attraction between people. From earliest school age, "acting the fool" or being the "joker", is used to improve one's popularity.

Between adults, humour is an important factor in development of sexual attraction. Functional MRI scans have shown that the areas of the brain responding to humour and sexual arousal, are adjacent and both are involved in the endorphin release. So there is in fact a physiological reason for the relationship between sexual arousal and humour.

Some time ago, I wrote about "Laughter, the Best Aphrodisiac", so I won't repeat most of that, but there is one story worth repeating.

I was visiting a Lady Of Pleasure who had the nick-name of "Fire cracker" among her colleagues, because she was a very loud orgasm-er - I guess in other countries she might be known as the 'Happy Hooker'. Well the Tongue Engine had just given her her first orgasm. As she slid onto me, a second orgasm was building and she started biting her wrist. 

I asked, "Are you OK?";

To which she replied, "I don't want to make a noise; there might be someone in the waiting room next door". 

I came back with, "Well we'll give them some encouragement".

She came back with "I'll have what she's having".

With that, we both cracked up, laughing very loudly and orgasming together.

As I was leaving, the receptionist had a very big grin and asked, "Did you have a good time? Do come again" (which I do, often).

There is an expression in Australia, usually reserved for Massage Parlours that offer illegal 'optional extra service' known as a 'Happy Ending'. Well ours was an 'Hilarious Ending' - highly recommended.

 
Click to see who else is taking the challenge. 

Laughter, the Best Aphrodisiac

It is a neuro-physiological fact that the pleasure centres in the brain, for humour and sex are adjacent, so there is a good reason why we find people with similar sense of humour, attractive.  In the bedroom, humorous banter can heighten sexual enjoyment.

The following stories, all true, have appeared in this blog at various times in the past, but I thought it might be good to bring them all together under the common theme. 

"I'll Have What She's Having"

A couple of years ago, a lady-of-pleasure I was seeing, had earned the nickname from her co-workers, of "Firecracker" because when she orgasmed, she went "off like a fire-cracker" and she could be heard throughout the building.

Well, one day Sam and I were having a good time and she had had one squealing orgasm with my tongue. Once she had settled down a little, as she was sliding onto me, she had the back of her hand wedged in her mouth.  I asked if there was anything wrong.

"I don't want to make too much noise.  There might be someone in the waiting room (next door to our bedroom" was her reply.

"Don't worry about it" I said, "You might give them some encouragement".

She giggled, and came back with "I'll have what she's having!".

Well we both cracked up laughing.  As I laughed, my cock twitched inside her. This was the last straw for her and she started convulsing on me, laughing, squealing and crying all at the same time.  Needless to say, this tipped me over the edge too.  This wasn't just a 'happy ending', it was a 'hilarious ending'.

Dirty Ditties

When FB Amazing Grace found out that I wrote a BLOG, she admitted to having fun making up rhymes.  So we created a game of 'dirty ditties' and 'fractured fairy tales', taking turns to create a new line starting from an old nursery rhyme, etc. So "Goldie Locks", "Little Red Riding Hood" et al provided many fun rhymes.  If a particular 'dirty ditty' had suitable actions, these were acted out as we went. I must say her rollicking laughs as she 'rode a cock horse' sent wonderful ripples right through our connection.  Sadly, we have lost contact - I really miss those fun times. I wish I had had a recorder to capture some of those ditties.  One I remember, went:-

"Georgie Porgie full of fun,

Licked the girls and made them come.

With lady come on his chin,

He said with a grin,

Oh what a good boy am I"

Although I am a DOM now, I am still a kid at heart, and 'play time' is my favourite time.  Which reminds me, we certainly gave "Girls and boys come out to play" a jolly rogering!

So next time someone calls me a 'fuck wit', I will take it as a compliment.

Punishment Play

This isn't humour in the direct laughing sense, but a light-humoured form of role-playing. Miss A uses a game of 'punishing' little infractions. On the way up to the bedroom, she stumbled on the stairs, flashing her knickers, and then said, "Were you peeking up my dress? You will have to be punished for that".   Similarly, there will be 'punishment' for 'touching myself' in the shower, and looking at her boobs as she undresses.  Typical punishment might be to make me stand in the 'naughty corner' whilst she sucks me off.  All just playful fun, no real bondage, although once she did tie my hands to the bed-head with her stockings and draped her fragrant knickers over my face so I couldn't see her 'punish' me by having her way with me.

Role-Play

Another fun-time role-play, although not strictly humour, was with Miss D in a Nun's Habit costume. Rather than reproduce the full story here, visit the post "A Bad Habit".

Unintended Humour

Sometimes, something's said quite innocently, but is quite humorous in the situation.

I was undergoing a period of radiotherapy treatment for prostate cancer. One day, I was lying on the radiotherapy table with my pubes and mid-riff exposed.  The female operator was getting me aligned - I have had target marks tattooed on my mid-riff and thighs and a pair of laser beams show the correct alignment. Her cold hands on my thighs push and roll me a little to get alignment right. At which point she says "Beautiful!". I tell her that "Only special ladies are allowed to say that!". I get a little laugh.

A couple of days later, I have the same operator, and she says the same things. This time, I say "Well, thank you!". She says "Your welcome" and we both laugh.

Pillow Banter

Post coital pillow talk is an obvious time for humorous banter when you are both fully relaxed and bodies flooded with feel-good hormones.

Complementary Employment

Often pillow talk with Ladies of Pleasure, turns to the sort of work we do. I asked one particular lady if she had a second job. She told me that she also worked as a receptionist at a Funeral Parlour. "You have a thing about stiffs, do you?" I answered, which brought loud laughter.

Longevity

In a conversation similar to the above, we were talking about marital status. When I told this lady how long I had been married, she asked, "What's your secret to a long marriage?". My answer, "Don't get caught!"

Guess My Age

On another occasion, we were playing the game of trying to guess each others age. I said to Crystal, "Would you believe 48?", to which she tactfully replied, "I would have put you as early 50's". I replied, "No. I mean 1948". (This was over 10 years ago). Shock flashed across her face, and she started counting on her fingers, working out just how much older than her I was. When she realised what she was doing, we laughed and cuddled.

Irony and Humour

In further chatting with the above Funeral Parlour receptionist, she told me of her new boy-friend of 3 months and her issue with the fact that he has yet to make a move to have sex with her (he doesn't know about her sex work). She asked my advice, "What can I do to get my boyfriend to have sex with me?". We had quite a serious conversation about courting, but I couldn't help but have an inward smile about the irony of a sex worker asking her client, how to get her boyfriend to have sex with her.

To All the Girls I've Loved Before - Thank You

I see from my diary, that its been 10 years since my sexual liberation, so in the words of Hal David, sung variously by Willy Nelson, Julio and Englebert, I want to say 'Thank You' to "All the girls I've loved before".

 

I won't repeat my history that lead to that liberation - it was covered in 'Was the last-time, the LAST Time?'.  Sadly I confess that in that 35 years I had never had or received oral sex, nor had my lady ever orgasmed. 

It was in that time of depression that I 'saw the light', that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, emotional and physical needs. Not wishing to leave the marriage, I turned to professional help - commercial sex.

I am fortunate to live in a state and country where commercial sex is legal and regulated. So in the past 10 years I have learnt and experienced many aspects of this 'service' industry.

 
There have been 1 or 2 'star-fishes' who obviously didn't want to be there, that provide a receptacle rather than a service. 

 
There have been those that seemed quite inexperienced and nervous. There have been some that really tried to provide a good service, but there has been no 'connection'.  Can there really be a 'connection' between a sex worker and client?

I will digress slightly at this point to thank a Punter Review web forum.  This particular site encourages ladies to join in general conversations and is well moderated.  It was here that I learnt how best to choose a lady from the introductions, that might best suit my needs.  Reviews from other punters also provided recommendations and service descriptions.  So I quickly found myself enjoying the company of a number of special ladies, that I dedicate this post to.

I quickly developed skills in cunnilingus with guidance from some of my ladies. For the first time I experienced ladies that really wanted/needed sex themselves - yes, there are ladies in the sex industry that are not there just for the money, but because of their own high sex-drive needs. For the first time I experienced ladies' orgasms in all their wonderful varieties - O-O-O-OMG. Then to top this off, I found my first squirter. To all these wonderful ladies, "Thank You"!

So despite the danger of overlooking someone, here is my "Honor Roll" in roughly chronological order:-

• First off, thanks to Kelly who popped my punting cherry. Tho in hindsight, not great sex, she was a very gentle, kind lady that guided me for an enjoyable first time commercially. I almost felt like a virgin being introduced to sex for the first time. I needed it.
• Daniella was a dark horse, passed over at our first introduction, but next time I discovered a highly sexed, passionate women whose company I enjoyed over eight years. It was she who taught me the joys of DATY and nick-named me 'Thomas the Tongue Engine'. I have written about our times together three times on this blog - 'Maid in Morocco', 'That Smile' and 'A Bad Habit'.
• Megan introduced me to CIMS, snow-balling and the taste of cum. But more importantly, Megan took me out of the time-constrained commercial environment, to Booty-Buddy visits at home, of 'Breakfast with Benefits', and coping with a Buddy relationship coming to an end.
• Sandy was a hot New Zealand blonde, with whom I discovered the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms.
• April was probably the first 'screamer' I encountered, and my head in a scissor lock whilst she convulsed, won't be forgotten. And I sustained the first and only 'punch' in the nose in my whole life (from a convulsing pubic bone). If the end-of-the world was at hand, I couldn't think of a nicer lady to go out with a bang with.
• Cristal HotBabe ('The Wicked Wench of Wupert Street') was a once off PSE that you've got to try once in a life-time. It was wild, almost gymnastic with some positions I've never seen or heard of before or since.
• Kaz is an all round lovely lady - great body, good conversationalist, great kisser and great sex. I discovered that ladies that have mastered kegal muscle control can add an amazing dimension to sex - I quipped that she does 'DFF'. Also 'Munching on Special-K'.
• Grace introduced me to humour and laughter during sex. Wow, cumming and laughing at the same time is an experience. Yes, sex should be fun.
• Amber is one of those sex machines with a voracious appetite, and a very nice lady to boot.
• Ruby is an incredibly passionate lady, a great kisser and very orgasmic. I swear her prominent nipples are wired to her clit. A keen lover of cunnilingus, I was rewarded by her squirting, again and again and again. Awesome.

To these ladies and all my other companions, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!

Cunning Conversations - "I'll Have What She's Having"

Continuing my occasional series of "Cunning Conversations"....

A couple of years ago, a lady-of-pleasure I was seeing, had earned the nickname from her co-workers, of "Firecracker" because when she orgasmed, she went "off like a fire-cracker" and she could be heard throughout the building.

Well, one day we were having a good time and she had had one squealing orgasm with my tongue. Once she had settled down a little, as she was sliding onto me, she had the back of her hand wedged in her mouth.  I asked if there was anything wrong.

"I don't want to make too much noise. There might be someone in the waiting room (next door to our bedroom" was her reply.

"Don't worry about it" I said, "You might give them some encouragement".

She giggled, and came back with "I'll have what she's having!".

Well we both cracked up laughing. As I laughed, my cock twitched inside her. This was the last straw for her and she started convulsing on me, laughing, squealing and crying all at the same time.  Needless to say, this tipped me over the edge too.  This wasn't just a 'happy ending', it was a 'hilarious ending'.

Aside: Viagra works by causing the production of Nitrous Oxide (laughing gas) in the blood stream which cause the peripheral (face, and penis) blood vessels to dilate, thus improving one's erection. So there is in fact a chemical basis for the relationship between good humour and good sex.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bedroom

Whilst "Laughter is the Best Medicine" I think it squeezes in just ahead of "Sex" because Laughter can be practiced any where, any time, in public.  But laughter and sex have a lot in common in that they both release those 'feel good' hormones and endorphins. To be sure there are times, especially in a one-off encounter, where the sex is immediately hot and lustful, but in more regular sex situations, 'fun' and 'play' are key ingredients to good sex and allow the good feelings to continue after the 'come shot'. This is why role-playing and fantasies are so popular because they add to the 'fun' in exploring 'life' outside our hum-drum day-to-day situations.

I was reminded of the above recently when catching up with Miss A whom I haven't seen for over a year. She uses a game of 'punishing' little infractions. On the way up to the bedroom, she stumbled on the stairs, flashing her knickers, and then said, "Were you peeking up my dress? You will have to be punished for that". 

 

Similarly, there will be 'punishment' for 'touching myself' in the shower, and looking at her boobs as she undresses. Typical punishment might be to make me stand in the 'naughty corner' whilst she sucks me off. All just playful fun, no real bondage, although once she did tie my hands to the bed-head with her stockings and draped her fragrant knickers over my face so I couldn't see her 'punish' me by having her way with me.

Another lady, 'O Gracious One', when she found out I wrote a BLOG, admitted to having fun making up rhymes. So we created a game of 'dirty ditties' and 'fractured fairy tales', taking turns to create a new line starting from an old nursery rhyme, etc.  So "Goldie Locks", "Little Red Riding Hood" et al provided many fun rhymes. If a particular 'dirty ditty' had suitable actions, these were acted out as we went. I must say her rollicking laughs as she 'rode a cock horse' sent wonderful ripples right through our connection. Sadly, we have lost contact - I really miss those fun times. I wish I had had a recorder to capture some of those ditties.  One I remember, went:-

"Georgie Porgie full of fun,

Licked the girls and made them come.

With lady come on his chin,

He said with a grin,

Oh what a good boy am I"

Although I am a DOM now, I am still a kid at heart, and 'play time' is my favourite time. Which reminds me, we certainly gave "Girls and boys come out to play" a jolly rodgering!

So next time someone calls me a 'fuck wit', I will take it as a compliment.