A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" (from Chinese proverb)

I want to pick up on this week's Quote Quest quote from J.M.Storm, about "The Day I Changed". I posted Lustless three years ago that detailed my struggle with a lustless marriage and how I had to take responsibility for my own happiness and make a life style change to transactional sex. In this post, I want to expand on the process of change.

In the later part of my professional life, I was involved in business process change management. But it's one thing to be the external "expert" consultant, but when it's your own personal life that needs changing, it's a different story. But in reality, the same principles apply. You will have heard these principles in one form or another every day of your life, from diet programs to advertising enticing you to buy something you don't really need.

Change Process Principles

• A mentor or guide is almost essential in all steps of the process. It might be a friend, a professional or a book. Your mentor is NOT a teacher - 50% is listening, being a sounding board. He/she may be a sojourner on your path. Empathy in what you are going through is essential.
• Identify the need for change! There are two parts, understanding the problems with the current state/condition, where am I now, and secondly, identifying the goal of where/what you want to be. There might be a number of possible paths or outcomes that you might have to weigh-up, a cost/difficulty/benefit decision. As J.M.Storm wrote, sometimes it is a matter of deciding to take control and responsibility for your own life and happiness, and not trying to conform to other's expectations or being totally driven by the whims of life's circumstances. Sometimes it might be a matter of dealing with health issues (of yourself or your partner) or just ageing. Some things can't be changed and your goal may have to be to find a way to live with a creative work-around.
• Decide and Commit! It is all too easy to get bogged down in your current situation or to be frightened into procrastination by the difficulty of the road ahead and the time required.
• Identify the blockages and hurdles holding you back or impeding your growth. The hardest are inherent attitudes and life principles learned from your parents from an early age - sometimes they need to be challenged and re-evaluated. Be prepared to 'think outside the box' - some hurdles can't be jumped over or broken down, you might have to find a way 'around'.
• Divide to conquer! Plan your journey. Big steps and changes need to be broken down into small manageable pieces. Manageable means that there is a measurable outcome and a time-frame that is not overwhelming. Plan the steps so that one leads to another. Start with small foundational steps, then build on them. Division takes away the fear of the enormity of the whole. Lose weight 1 kg at a time,
• START - take that FIRST STEP, the first achievable, non-threatening small step.
• Tackle one small step at a time. Monitor and record your progress. CELEBRATE your achievement of sub-goals.
• Practice, practice, practice! Life-style changes are deep down a matter of changing/learning new habits, of your brain 'rewiring' circuits. It is a neurological fact that on average it takes around 3 months for something new you are learning, to become a habit. Thus weight loss plans often talk about a '12 week plan' - notice it is not a frightening long 90 days or an unrealistic 3 months, but 12 manageable steps.
• Review your big-picture progress. Having monitored each small step completed, take time out to step back and review the big picture. What have your learned along your journey? Re-evaluate your plan and goals in the light of changing circumstances around you and what you have learned about yourself, your goals and the journey.

The Community

In the sex blogger community, it is sometimes difficult to read about all the wonderful sexy times others are having, whether IRL or fictitious, and have twinges of jealousy. But there are some brave bloggers out there that intermix posts about their struggles, whether it be menopause, low libido, relationship issues, illness of their own, spouse or family. At the top I mentioned my struggle with a spouse that through a brain injury lost all sexual desire or pleasurable feelings. I've posted about Erectile Dysfunction with age, then prostate cancer and difficulties after radiotherapy. I hope my writing can be of some encouragement to fellow travaillers.

Global Change

The same principles of managing change apply to global issues, like Climate Change and pandemic management. How often have we seen leaders being procrastinators or deniers because they won't listen to advice, to be mentored, because they are so convinced of their omnipotence. The desperate need is obvious to those who will see, but nationally we seem to be bogged down at decision making, of commitment.

Life IS Change

'Change' isn't just about dealing with 'bad' things or big issues. Life is Change, growing up is change, learning a new skill, getting a job, moving out of home, getting into a relationship, buying a house, starting a family, changing health, breaking up a relationship, growing old, preparing for 'The End', etc, etc, etc. So build the above processes into your modus operandi of life.

The one important point I haven't elaborated on yet, is CELEBRATION! Embrace change and the opportunities of new experiences, and celebrate your achievements.

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates

"The unlived life is not worth examining" - Andrew Klavan

L'chaim!