Lust Lost and Found

This post is a rework of "Lustless" posted in Feb. 2019.

Can Something You Never Had be LOST?

With my girlfriend at the time, lust wasn't exactly 'lost', rather it never developed. I guess you couldn’t have found two more neophytes as far as sex was concerned, when we started dating. First serious relationship for both of us. No sexual experience. I was from an up-tight religious background, and my girlfriend was from a broken home, living with a protective mother. Add to this her serious medical condition. Our courtship involved a lot of joint volunteering, caring and charity type activities. We were young, optimistic and idealistic. As far fetched as it sounds, we really were 25 year old virgins in the ‘age of Aquarius’ when we married.

Due to poor time planning and travel, the wedding night was sexless (not that unusual apparently). We only had a long-weekend due to study commitments, but a full honeymoon was planned in the semester break. But our sexual initiation this first weekend was very fumbly and definitely less than lustful. 

Back at our new apartment, between settling in and study, our sexual start to married life wasn't improving. Five weeks later, we went on our formal ‘honeymoon’. But daily travelling and a different bed every night, left our “honeymoon” sexless.

Our first six months was a very fumbling, intermittent sex life. Between women’s issues and her other health problems 2 or 3 times a month, sex was infrequent and mediocre. I think there was one very good encounter when I took the whole day off and we spent half the day in bed, mostly in fore-play, finally achieving successful coitus. Whilst my wife enjoyed extended foreplay, she was mostly not comfortable going below the waist. In month’s 7 to 12, despite moving into a house from the 1 bedroom apartment, sex virtually ceased, with my wife no longer able to relax enough to allow penetration - vaginismus, ‘frozen vagina’.

Over the next couple of years, the vaginismus subsided, but her health problem meant that we visited hospital ER more often than we had sex (4-5 times per year). As for quality, “Think of England”.

We finally found a medical specialist that was somewhat supportive of us starting a family by carefully reducing medication by half and closely monitoring my wife's medical condition. It was a matter of treading the fine line between the congenital danger of high dose meds. and the dangers of a low dosed medical condition. Using the Billings method, conception was achieved in 3 months. Wow, sex, whether she wanted to or not, once a month for 3 months - the most frequent sex in our married life before (or since). The 9 months of pregnancy went smoothly health-wise, though sex was off. Then life was hit for a six when our child was born with multiple congenital conditions requiring immediate life-saving surgery, then full repair and follow-up surgeries over the next 5 years.

The first couple of years post natal, were sexless. I guess conjugal relations were of such a low priority, that the years slipped by. In hindsight,  I estimate that over 20 years, we averaged between 0 and 2 times per year.

At around the 30 year mark, we were empty-nesters, mortgage paid and a comfortable career. My wife’s medical condition had settled a little. I started pressing/encouraging increased (resumed?) sexual activity, but with little success. It seemed to be a matter of “Well, if you really must. Hop on and get it over with” - hardly encouraging - 'sympathy sex' at best. I backed off somewhat and tried to get her interested in mutual masturbation, but there was no interest - touching ‘down there’ was off limits, and oral was abhorrent to her.

Eventually, I got her to talk about our situation, but all I got was “I just don’t enjoy sex and never have”. Well, after that smack in the face, I promised that I would never ‘bother’ her about it again, and I haven’t.

It was 3-4 years later, that she started to open up a bit more about her childhood. It seems that her introduction to sex was as a pre-teen, hearing her drunken alcoholic father having his way with his wife and hearing her mother pleading to be left alone. Even in the 1960’s, a woman was still her husband’s chattel and conjugal rights were expected. "Rape in marriage" was inconceivable by definition of ‘marriage’.

After a few months, she asked her mother about it, and she had her first ‘lesson’ in sex-ed, including rape. The ancients described this as "The sins of the father will be visited on his children to the 3rd and 4th generation" (Ex.20:5, Num.14:18, Deu.5:9).

Never a truer statement has been made, than "The must important sexual organ is the one between our ears"!

So that just leaves me. When we vow “For better or worse, in sickness and health”, I guess we all assume that the worse and sickness will only be a small percentage of married life. How one deals with and transcends the "worse" is a measure of your character and depth of love. Our relationship had virtually declined into ‘patient and carer’. Any hope of 'normal' marital sex was totally LOST! I started going through bouts of depression. Who cares for the carer? It was through discussions with a friend at work, that I started to realise that there was no point in just blaming circumstances for one’s unhappiness. I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, thinking outside the square of societal conventions. The Good Book tells us to ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ - I had been taught the first half all my childhood, but not really much about loving myself - that was always seen as being ‘selfish’.

And so I ‘bit the bullet’ and started taking some occasional ‘me time’ with some ‘Ladies Of Pleasure’. I had tried once before on a business trip, but it was over in a couple of minutes and I remember thinking "Is that all there is!". But this time, I was lucky to find a kind, more mature lady, that was very understanding of my situation and led and guided me through a lovely time.

FOUND

And so it was that in my mid-50s, I FOUND what I had never had. Through a forum of men in situations like myself, I learned about brothels and private sex workers, of the wide range of services available and of all the different types ladies, from 'star-fish' to nymphos. With some delightful ladies, I discovered/learned about the differences between women and men's arousal patterns, of pleasuring a woman, how mutual enjoyment can be far better than individual pleasure, that love and sex can coexist separately. I learned the difference between love-sex and fun-sex. I learned how humor and laughter can enhance the sexual experience. I learned to give and receive oral for the first time - I've had some wonderful teachers. I've learned about Booty Buddies, Friends With Benefits and Sugar Daddys. OMG I feel so embarrassed to be confessing my sexually deprived upbringing.

In the anonymity and privacy of brothel pillow talk, I have had ladies confide things they might not even share with a BFF, of their likes and dislikes as far as client behaviour is concerned, and I've learned a lot about fellow men's lack of sexual education, experience and confidence - just like me. So I set about to write a BLOG about what I was learning, of personal experiences and educational essays, then later fictional pieces.

For others in situations like mine, I wrote "A Lustless Relationship Survivors Memorial".

I've found fulfillment in my writing, of bringing pleasure and sex-positive knowledge to a wider community. And I've found a wonderful community of fellow writers, that support and encourage.

Losing IT Again

But with age, I discovered declining libido, of Erectile Dis-function. Then we add on prostate cancer and the impact of roast prostate by radiotherapy and how that leads to further ED, lower libido, loss of ejaculation ability and lowered tactile sensation.

But I'm working on IT. With regular ED meds. and regular self-love and trial 'test drives', all is not completely lost, if not totally re-found! Never is there a truer saying than "Use it or lose it!".

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who else has Lost and/or Found
Wicked things on Wednesday!

Lustless Relationship Survivors Memorial

Survivors

I've just been watching on TV, the US National Covid-19 Memorial service and was moved to write this post. First, can I reach out in love and compassion to fellow bloggers that have family that have had or are currently going through Covid-19 illness. Receive our virtual hugs from near (appropriately socially distanced) and far.

The second trigger was a survey on twitter that I saw yesterday, about frequency of sex in a relationship, showed that 30% of respondents  said "What sex?".

Memorial - Sharing Pain

So I just want to reach out to fellow sufferers/survivors of lustless relationships, to let you know you are not alone, that by sharing our experiences in our blogs that we are supporting each other. Frankly, when I read posts of wonderful sex between couples, I sometimes have my eyes well up a little, not exactly in jealousy, but a with twinge of pain.

But let's also remember and reach out to our partners that have lost or never had libido. In neurophysiological literature, like this, we see the multi-faceted parts of the brain involved in sexual arousal. In our current context, it is important to note the functions of the 'prefrontal cortex' and 'cingulate cortex' in blunting or suppressing sexual response and processing conflicting responses. 

• There are small numbers whose brain fails to develop certain parts (nature). 
• Then there are those whose nurture has trained their brains with so much negativity to human sexuality, that those blunting, suppression circuits over-ride sexual stimulation. The 'training' doesn't have to be explicitly sex-negative - growing up under an abusive parent can leave an indelible scar of negative feelings about that gender in general.
  
• Even a simple fall off a bicycle by a child, can cause Acquired Brain Trauma which can damage those delicate libido circuits. 
• Lets remember especially, those girls that through cultural norms, have had their genitals mutilated to deliberately deny them sexual pleasure.
• Lets remember couples who's relationship has broken down in the broadest sense, that withdrawal of sexual relations comes out of anger and punishment.
• Now we come to the later-life loss of libido, that once was present, but lost due to accident, disease, aging or high pressures of life. Aging libido is often just  slowing of response and lack of spontaneous response. The other side of that coin is organic disease where despite libido desire, the body doesn't respond - the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Some diseases, say like testicular cancer, so mess with a man's self-image, that their libido is irreparably psychologically damaged. I've heard similar stores about women after a mastectomy. After aging, the largest numbers would be car accident victims, whether ABT or paraplegia.
  

The Other Half

So how do we, the other half of the situation, cope with endless 'head-aches', 'sympathy fucks' ("Oh, alright if you must. Hurry up, hop on and get it over with"), to outright withdrawal of intimacy - 'don't touch me', to separate bedrooms? There are three responses needed:-

• Where libido is simply diminished or slow to respond, we the other party, must never pressure, but work to remove external pressure, make special times together and enjoy what you can achieve together.
  
• Relationship repair and nurture. Note however, that many of the above causes can't be 'fixed' with counseling of psychology. It is mostly a matter of making the most of what you do have, non-sexually. But if there is broad relationship breakdown, perhaps the best solution is to sever the relationship sooner than later.
  
• The other is recognizing your own needs for happiness, to Love Yourself. Hopefully, you can get your partner to at least understand, agree with or go along with your solution. It might be having your partner assist you in relieving your ache. At the other extreme you might need to pay for transactional relief.
  

God Given Sex

Finally, in response to the religious sex-negative types. Sex and libido are God given parts of our lives. I would venture to say that they are the most God-like parts of our being, in that they are the core of the creation of life. Couples that enjoy great sex, often say that there is a spiritual component to that part of their life. In the Christian bible, in the book of Genesis 1:27-28, God commands, "Go forth and have sex (multiply)", so who are we to disobey God's command.

"Love Your Partner As Yourself"

 

Lust Through the Years

Dear Diary,

I know its been quite some time since we communicated, but with this pandemic virus and isolation, the possibilities for intimate socializing have been zero. Sure, I wrote last year, "Vale Sir Lust", but the demise of my lust is slightly exaggerated. Whilst my "get up and go" has not entirely "got up and gone", with chemical assistance and a lot of effort, I can "get it up" occasionally, but the "go" is only a trickle. But worse, the lustful urges are just a slightly sad, warm memory.

At least, one of the benefits of aging, is time and history for introspection and reminiscence. One of those observations, is the way lust changes through the years. Briget Delaney asked for Erotic Journals about being "Lustful" - I cover the range of lust here, but I don't think there's too much erotica in it.

Pubescent Lust - Learning, Dreaming, Wishing, Waiting, Discovery

As a pre-teen boy, from those earliest stirring in the loins, you knew that you were at the start of something wonderful, of manhood. There was the discovery that rubbing and friction produced a wonderful feeling, and then the magic of an erection - was "Jack and the beanstalk" really a youngster's erotic tale? 

Then came the obligatory "sex education" talk - what a waste of an hour - just medical talk about sperm, follopian tubes, eggs and the uterus; all about reproduction and absolutely nothing useful about "sex". Real sex-ed occurred in the school yard, especially from boys who had older brothers, where we learnt about sticking your 'willy' into something called a 'cunt'. But it was the secrecy of something illicit that stirred the excitement. Then occasionally there were the crumpled "dirty pictures" that surreptitiously got passed around.

This was the beginning of "lust". The stories, pictures and imaginings warmed the loins and triggered erections - oooh, the pleasure. From rubbing against playground equipment and shimmying up poles to get an erection, we graduated to masturbation and the wonder of ejaculation. Sexual thoughts and dreams seemed to consume the whole day. Sexual dreams were so intense, you could wake up with a very hard erection and pajamas wet with ejaculate, or more embarrassing, wets sheets and the worry that mum might find them.

Lust on the Doorstep of Adulthood

In the late teens, we discovered "lads mags" and saw the naked female form in all its voluptuous beauty, for the first time. For most guys, this was the time of dates, of dances, of sexual exploration, fumbling gropes in the back row of the picture theatre. Some even progressed "all the way".

But for me, growing up in a straight-laced religious family, where dancing was almost evil, and rock music the call of the devil, head-lined by that hip-swivelling  personification of evil, Elvis Presley, that was leading the youth of the world down the path to eternal damnation. The growth of my sexual life was stunted to say the least, though lust persisted. But how could something so natural for all men (I had still to learn about women's lust), be considered the source of temptation to sin?

Eventually, I left home in my tertiary years and my first serious female relationship developed. We progressed through snogging, to gropes, but never "down there".

Lust in Marriage - For Better or Worse

I quickly discovered that my marriage was not going to be "lust-full" - there were all sorts of emotional, medical and sexual baggage. But we stuck it out and 90% of the time I had to DIY. Lust was different now - it was an aching longing for what should be but I didn't have. Despite ongoing serious medical issues, a child was eventually planned and conceived, thanks to the Billings method and coitus once a month whether she wanted to or not - the most frequent sex we had in our entire married life.

With 18 years of further medical issues with our child, on top of aggravated medical problems for my wife, sex took a very distant back seat, from zero to once a year, a "sympathy" fuck at best. 

Work took me away interstate at times for up to a week, so there were many lonely nights with daily porn and masturbation for my unsated lust.

Post Middle Age Liberated Lust

With the mortgage paid off, the family left home and medical condition much settled, I thought we might have a second chance to develop a sex life. But it wasn't to be. She finally got up the courage to tell me that she didn't enjoy sex and never had and would rather not have any ever again.

Well that was a kick in the guts. I was a faithful husband, had a beautiful family, a good career, but my identity as a "man" was in doubt. My painful lust descended into depression. It was a woman at work, divorced and in a new relationship, that opened my eyes to understand that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, in spite of circumstances. And so I decided to take the plunge into paying for sexual satisfaction.

Well that was probably the best thing I could have done. Depression lifted, I was coping at home as a carer better. There was so much I was learning about women's sexuality, pleasuring each other, and the whole package of close intimate 'relationships' (I guess I was very lucky in my selection of my ladies-of-pleasure way above the average sex-worker).

Lust was quite different now. After each encounter, the euphoria lasted over a week. Around the 3 week mark (I was in my late 50s after all), the wonderful lustful urge became almost all consuming, so I just slipped out for another "long lunch" or left work a little early for a stop-off on my way home, to catch up with one of my wonderful ladies. Lust was moving on from just wanting/needing to "get my rocks off", to desire for the the full intimate encounter.

Sexygenarian Lust as One Ages

One day I was seeing a new lady, that wasn't quite up to my usual level of excitement, when lo and behold, I lost my erection mid-coitus. Aging erectile dysfunction had arrived. My doctor prescribed Viagra and everything was wonderful again. Erections were harder and lasted longer. But as a few more years passed, despite a good hard erection, I found it harder to orgasm at all.

The lustful urges were becoming less frequent, and focused on the totality, and I was settling down to a handful of very special regular ladies rather than going on the prowl for a conquests.

Prostate Cancer, Radiotherapy, Declining Lust and the Future

I've covered this topic extensively in recent posts, which brings me back to my introduction at the top of the page. I'm at the point now where I'm wondering if, when I become widowed, whether there will be a last, if somewhat short chance at some intimate sexuality. There are at least two couples in our retirement village that have hooked up or married since coming here. I read about octogenarians fathering children, and one or two of my LOPs have told me of 80+ year old clients coming in for some relief comfort on the way home from visiting their dying wife in hospital. So you never know.

So dear diary, there is one constant throughout life, and that is sexual lust. I have posted some years ago, "I Lust, Therefore I am", our "ID" as defined by Sigmund Freud. We are human sexual beings after all. The most important thing in life, is how we harness our lust to fit in with all the other aspects of life.

"Lustful"

Lustless

Now I know this post doesn't naturally fit in the normal theme of "The Cunning Linctus", but it is a story that needs to be told. Sexual desire (lust, libido) is the basis for procreation, and is intricately tied to our self-image/identity. There are all sorts of reasons why lust can be stunted, so it is important for 'sex positive' writers to take a step back occasionally and gain some understanding of why some people are 'sex negative' - they are not all just evil religious spoilsports.

So, going back 50 years to the start of my relationship with my wife.

Courting

I guess you couldn’t have found two more neophytes when we started dating. First serious relationship for both of us. No sexual experience. I was from an up-tight religious background, and my girlfriend was from a broken home, living with a protective mother. Add to this her serious medical condition. Our courtship involved a lot of joint volunteering, caring and charity type activities. We were young, optimistic and idealistic. As far fetched as it sounds, we really were 25 year old virgins in the ‘age of Aquarius’ when we married.

Wedding and Honeymoon

A mistake we made with our wedding, was travelling a couple of hours to the honeymoon hotel. Due to a late start, no sex that night - not all that unusual I am told for  a wedding night. This ‘1st’ honeymoon was just a long weekend due to study commitments, so there was just one fumbling sexual encounter.

Back at our new apartment,  between settling in and study, our sexual start to married life was not exactly hot and steamy.

Five weeks later, we had planned a 2 week holiday as our formal ‘honeymoon’. But again we misjudged the situation, and daily travelling and a different bed every night, left our “honeymoon” sexless.

Now I know many men would have walked away from the ‘marriage’ at that point claiming non-consummation, but not us.

The Marital Bed

Our first six months was a very fumbling, intermittent sex life. Between women’s issues and her other health problems 2 or 3 times a month, sex was infrequent and mediocre. I think there was one very good encounter when I took the whole day off and we spent half the day in bed, mostly in fore-play, finally achieving successful coitus. Whilst my wife enjoyed extended foreplay, she was mostly not comfortable going below the waist. In month’s 7 to 12, despite moving into a house from the 1 bedroom apartment, sex virtually ceased, with my wife no longer able to relax enough to allow penetration - vaginismus, ‘frozen vagina’.

Over the next couple of years, the vaginismus subsided, but her health problem meant that we visited hospital ER more often than we had sex (4-5 times per year). As for quality, “Think of England”.

Starting a Family

We had discussed starting a family with a number of my wife’s medical specialists, but none were very supportive of the idea. A new specialist discussed the pros and cons with us and the risks involved - the risks to the pregnancy of her medication vs the risks of not being medicated. But he was encouraging and we set about slowly reducing her medication to about half. To achieve pregnancy as quickly as possible, we used the ‘Billings method’ of temperature monitoring to identify her ovulation days. So we were having the most frequent sex of our married life - once a month whether she liked it or not. Conception occurred soon after.

But the joy of the birth was short-lived on discovery of our baby’s own medical condition (Fallot's Tetralogy) that would require serious surgeries over the following several years. Any thoughts of further children were quickly put out our minds, and a vasectomy sealed it.

Post Natal Years

The postnatal hormonal changes and half strength medications caused my wife’s condition to flare up badly, so back onto full strength meds. But breastfeeding was thus out of the question. With the dangers of her medical condition, carrying or bathing baby alone were out of the question - a bit of a kick in the guts for motherhood.

Some new medications were coming onto the market, so we went through a series of attempts at new meds, but with numerous side effects, and mostly with no improvement in her condition. The one med that showed promise, caused anaemia and massive weight gain.

When your medical condition can throw your body into uncontrolled spasms or convulsions at a moments notice, then the merest hint of sexual arousal or possible orgasm, sets off alarm bells. So add body-image issues to her medical condition, married life wasn’t a bed of rose petals. The first couple of years post natal, were sexless. I guess conjugal relations were of such a low priority, that the years slipped by. In hindsight,  I estimate that over 20 years, we averaged between 0 and 2 times per year.

Empty Nest - Resuscitation or Expiration?

At around the 30 year mark, we were empty-nesters, mortgage paid and a comfortable career. My wife’s medical condition had settled a little. I started pressing/encouraging increased (resumed?) sexual activity, but with little success. It seemed to be a matter of “Well, if you really must. Hop on and get it over with” - hardly encouraging. I backed off somewhat and tried to get her interested in mutual masturbation, but there was no interest - touching ‘down there’ was off limits, and oral was abhorrent to her.

Eventually, I got her to talk about our situation, but all I got was “I just don’t enjoy sex and never have”. Well, after that smack in the face, I promised that I would never ‘bother’ her about it again, and I haven’t.

Long Overdue Explanations

It was 3-4 years later, that she started to open up a bit more about her childhood. It seems that her introduction to sex was as a pre-teen, hearing her drunken alcoholic father having his way with his wife and hearing her mother pleading to be left alone. Even in the 1960’s, a woman was still her husband’s chattel and conjugal rights were expected. "Rape in marriage" was inconceivable by definition of ‘marriage’.

After a few months, she asked her mother about it, and she had her first ‘lesson’ in sex-ed, including rape. The ancients described this as "The sins of the father will be visited on his children to the 3rd and 4th generation" (Ex.20:5, Num.14:18, Deu.5:9).

A modern brain scan surprised by showing the degree of brain trauma from a simple childhood accident. Mapping the area of trauma with areas of brain function, suggests the possibility of impaired pleasure centres.

Never a truer statement has been made, than "The must important sexual organ is the one between our ears"!

A Detour Through The Psychosomatic Wilderness

This twelve months of medical incompetence, perhaps even mal practice, was so traumatic it requires a post of its own - "Unmedicated". 

Who Cares For the Carer? Loving Oneself

So that just leaves me. When we vow “For better or worse, in sickness and health”, I guess we all assume that the worse and sickness will only be a small percentage of married life. Our relationship had virtually declined into ‘patient and carer’. I started going through bouts of depression. Who cares for the carer? It was through discussions with a friend at work, that I started to realise that there was no point in just blaming circumstances for one’s unhappiness. I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, thinking outside the square of societal conventions. The Good Book tells us to ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ - I had been taught the first half all my childhood, but not really much about loving myself - that was always seen as being ‘selfish’.

And so I ‘bit the bullet’ and started taking some occasional ‘me time’ with some ‘ladies of pleasure’, but that’s another story too. When one’s home cooking is all DIY, it’s nice to dine out sometimes.

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A Short Sabbatical

Unfortunately, my small (and growing) group of readers, I am forced to take a short sabbatical.  Due to some unforeseen expenses plus I am taking 6 weeks unpaid leave to nurse my wife after major leg surgery, I will be unable to see any of my lovely ladies of pleasure for at least 6 weeks.

"6 weeks"? God, how did I ever manage with only sympathy sex once every year or two?  You know "sympathy sex"? - "Oh, allright if it will shut you up.  Hop on. Hurry up and get it over with.".

However, I should be able to grab some time occasionally to monitor this blog, so I would love to receive your comments and feedback.  I'm sorry that commenting wasn't correctly enabled in the early stages, but its all fixed now.  This blog is not about erotic "stories" - every thing is true about real people and documents my turbulent course through love and sex and the joy of intercourse (in its fullest sense) with other ladies.

Regards,

Tom.