Little Black Spreadsheet

To be honest, before blogging, I was never one for writing in a journal or diary, other than dates of appointments and birthdays to remember. I am of the Baby Boomer generation, where "Little Black Book" was a literal paper book.

After a long dry spell in a lustless marriage, I decided to confirm how bad it was and put a pocket diary and pencil in my bedside drawer, into which I would log every time we had sex. Twelve months later I pulled it out and found it empty. That's when I found an unopened box of condoms that had passed their expiry date.

When I decided to address my unhappiness with some transactional sexual pleasure, I started a (Little Black) spreadsheet, my FOTM book, of who, where, when and quality of service. By having a written record, I had something to trigger memories, like ‘pinching’ oneself to remind yourself that this is real, that I was crawling out of that hole of depression, that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness.

But in time, it’s purpose changed to more of a management tool. It helped in selecting the type of Ladies Of Pleasure (LOP) I would see, which brothels had the best ladies (to my taste), frequency vs length of service. I remember discussing this point with one special lady, of shorter encounters (30 mins) more frequently, or longer 1 hour encounters less frequently. Of course, I was sucked (literally) into longer encounters more frequently! The diary also provided a form of budget monitoring.

Further, I was able to keep a record of which ladies were available on which days of the week.

It also helped me in discovering what aspects of sex I enjoyed best. Each encounter was rated (1-5) in 5 categories, ‘KODSQ’, Kissing, Oral (fellatio), DATY (cunnilingus), Sex (coitus), and overall Quality of service (personal connection, attitude, etc). In time, I found some exceptional ladies that qualified for a 6 or 7/5 on some points, then later I high-lighted the date of some encounters in red for “above and beyond the call of duty” (House rules). These exceptional ladies fell into the 'nympho' category where their pleasure was as important as mine. Buddy pleasure extends well beyond the purely physical.

(Note that there are no categories for looks or body type)!

(Wow! 30 times with 20 ladies in 12 months back in 2011. Sort of broke my 'monthly' rule. Sadly, 2019 totaled just 2).

When I started blogging ‘The Cunning Linctus’, it was initially a personal journal of specific encounters with my Ladies Of Pleasure, especially for very special or interesting times. I started a ‘Cunning Conversations’ series of some of my very interesting post coital pillow talks. In time, the blog became public and I started addressing broader issues like sex education, writing/blogging techniques, then later I added in erotic fiction.

Now some 13 years since it started, with Covid lock-downs and generally less time to sample who’s out there, I used it for forward planning. As I read reviews of ladies I found interesting, I made a note of name, place, availability and types of service (as reviewed), then as I found more reviews of a lady, I updated the details with the accuracy of the ratings. So when an opportunity arose, I had a list of possibilities to choose from and some expectation of the type of service I might get.

But come 2021, we are in this city's 6th Covid lock-down. My last 2 excursions have been more like 'buddy calls' than 'booty calls'. Post prostate ED recovery hasn't been quite as successful as I hoped. So it might be time for my LBS to be relegated to the book of memories beside the photo albums.

Click to see who else has been Wicked
especially when diarized!

MMMMMemories

Come masturbation Mondays, erotic porn is all very well for some inspiration, but you can't beat IRL MMMMMemories to Celebrate.

This post is a rework and extension of some previous posts.

Meeting Ruby

I first Ruby in 2014 and was amazed that I had found such a passionate, horny, squirty nymphomaniac. My third visit was just prior to Christmas, and I posted "Christmas Drinks at the Y".

A Present

Our friendship grew with monthly make-outs through the following year. She had always admired my silky black thong and after a visit home to China, she returned with a present for me, a lovely multi-coloured pair of knickers/g-string.

There's Many a Slip Twixt the Cock and the Slit

We had been having rollicking great times for about 3 years, when I arrived for this particular booking, but Ruby wasn't quite ready. I was shown to a bedroom and showered and lay naked on the bed waiting. Now it seems the receptionist doesn't tell the ladies the name of who a booking is with. When Ruby opened the door, resplendent in black G string and negligee and she saw it was me, she rushed to the bed and immediately jumped my bones.

Without a word, she had my head in her hands and tongue down my throat. Little Tom was enjoying a lovely 'panty slide'. I slipped my hands inside her negligee top to squeeze her breasts and my thumbs massaged her very prominent brown nipples. I swear, Ruby's nipples must be wired directly to her clit, because there is an immediate reaction inside the sheer material sliding over my cock. Her body jumps into high gear. Our kissing becomes intensely passionate and our pubes are grinding ever harder. Her panties are slick in less than a minute and I am sliding in the groove of a wonderful 'camel-toe'.

God, its amazing how a piece of clothing can be so erotically alluring, how a piece of silk can promise so much, but not just yet. Delayed gratification intensifies the desire.

Our grinding is now round and round, up and down, side to side. I can  feel the hem edging. Little Tom is edging. There's many a slip twixt the cock and the slit!

We roll apart whilst I remove her negligee and soaking panties. We roll together for a cuddle. I look into her eyes and say "Well, hello to you too!"

An Australian Welcome

I roll her onto her back and proceed down to give 'the ladies' a welcoming Australian Kiss.  In almost no time flat her body tenses in orgasm and I get my first mouthful of her wonderful warm squirt. We proceed with increasing intensity with 3 or 4 more mouthfulls.

The Flood of Linctus

Ruby grabs my head and pulls me up her body for some deep French kissing. My cock is lying across her very wet, slick slit. Suddenly, without releasing her kiss, she grabs my shoulder and rolls me onto my back and straddles me. Still in a passionate embrace, she proceeds with her amazing pussy slide, working her clit along me. She has just slid up me with her labia just gripping the tip of my glans, when she stiffens, sits bolt upright, lifting off me and releases a flood of warm linctus over my stiff cock and down my loins.

As her orgasm subsides, she lies down on me again, sliding her clit over me and devouring my tongue in passionate DFK. The above repeats 3 or 4 times more, each time in increasing passion.

The last time, her labia are still gripping my glans as her linctus floods over me. Then she suddenly slides right down onto me.

OMG! 

Has this really happened? We had never talked about going Bare-Back, though with a hotty like Ruby, I couldn't help having fantasized about it. Now we had talked about my vasectomy in the past and the fact that I 'shot blanks' and only made 'non-cream pies'. Now Ruby was very popular, but none of the Punter Reviews had even hinted that BB might be available. I guess, over 3 years, our knowledge and trust of each other had grown, so that in the passion of the moment, we just naturally went with the flow.

Her Kegal muscles grip me tightly as she grasps my face and kisses passionately. My hands are on her breasts and my thumbs gently massage her very hard, erect nipples. This tips her over the edge and a deep-down vaginal orgasm builds up. It is quite different from a clitoral orgasm. It starts with deep-down rumbling that rolls up to the G-spot and vaginal opening and then the convulsions develop in an inward, sucking type movement. Thrusting is almost impossible. Resistance is impossible and my own orgasm explodes, as her orgasm sucks every last drop out of me. Her convulsions ease off, but her muscles still hold me in tightly, as we embrace, hot and perspiring. As her muscles finally relax, I roll off and we cuddle side by side - definitely a 10 on my fuchter scale.

After Shocks

Within a minute, she has a small 'after-shock' orgasm and she giggles. She must have had 6-7 'after-shocks' before finally coming down to rest. We cuddle and rest, breathless, with broad smiles.

After cooling down and some pillow small-talk, we reluctantly head to the shower to wash each other down.

Retirement and Memories

Sadly Ruby has retired from the bedroom, but MMMMemories last for ever!

Sexual Independence Day - Hot Rodding Mai (2007)

Content Warning! Contains graphic sexual descriptions, originally written as a personal journal for private use.

An Old (2007) FOTM Journal

I was going through some old archives on my computer recently in an 'iso' cleanup moment, and came across the following in my old FOTM Journal from 2007 (this was before my BLOG). OMG, 2007 - checking my diary, I see that Mai was only the 3rd LOP I had the pleasure of after finally giving up on a lustless marriage, and diving into the world of transactional sex. After Mai, I was well and truly hooked. Wow, is this what marital sex was supposed to be like? Woo; Hoo; Celebration!!! Sexual Independence Day! "Happy New Year Life"!

---xxxXxxx---

The Need For a Quickie

"It is a Wednesday evening in the middle of January (2007) and I really need a fuck. I think I'll try out 'Night Moves', a cheaper Asian 'jìyuàn' (brothel) in Melbourne's eastern suburbs. It is an old house in an industrial area. I park around the back and go and knock on the door. The "mamasan" is quite young and brusk. She takes me straight to a bedroom to meet the available girls. She quotes me the prices and I ask for a "quickie" 20 minute 'xìngjiāo'.

The room is very basic, really in need of tarting up.  A mirror across the bedhead has a crack. A curtain hangs off the end of the curtain rail.  No luxury here. The shower 'cubicle' in the corner is so small, that if I drop the soap, I will have to open the door to bend over to pick it up.

The Introduction

The girls file in and introduce themselves in very broken English that I can barely understand.  Mamasan comes back and asks who I would like.  I ask for Mai, a very small, slightly built Chinese girl.  I quickly shower in the corner cubicle.  I am drying off when Mai comes in.  Even small talk is very difficult with her poor English.

Before I can even get to her, she has slipped her clothes off.  Her head barely reaches the top of my chest. I pull her to me.  She apologies that she is so small, as I touch her breasts - just rather prominent erect nipples with no breast to speak of at all.  She starts to rub her body against me.  I can feel her public hair against my rising cock.  I run my hands down her back and over her bum.  After more rubbing, my erection is full and Mai steps back, unwraps a condom and kneels down to roll it on me (Ed. this was before I needed Viagra - oh the memories of a natural hard-on).  She then starts to give me head.  She is straight forward and fast, no real deep throat.

Impaled

After a couple of minutes of sucking, I don't want a blow job,  I help her stand up.  We are still standing beside the bed.  She is so small and light, I have an idea.  I place my hands under her arm pits and lift her up and impale her straight onto my waiting hot rod - she was already hot and wet and receptive.  Her legs wrap around my waist.  She lets out a little giggle and an "Oooh!". A new move for her?

"Ooooh, Yeah!" Hot Rodded (not Mai though)

She proceeds to lift her body up and down, quite fast, fucking me like a bitch on heat.  She is so light, it is no effort at all.  We fuck for a couple of minutes but I don't want to come this quickly, so I lift her off and lie her back on the bed.

I get a good look at her now, spreadeagled before me.  Her skin is china white.  Her erect nipples are dark brown with no discernible areola and virtually no swelling boobs.  Her pubes are unshaven with just a small black 'landing strip'.  Her labia petals are swelling open already. 

"Avante"

Mai lifts her arms to me, inviting me to enter her.  I reach me hand to her fanny, but she takes it away, drawing me down.  I slide up her tiny body until my cock is 'kissed' by her hot, wet, waiting labia, and I easily slip straight in.  I no sooner have my prick in her kitty, than she starts to fuck, fast.  Her cunt is tight and I feel her muscles wrapped around my rod as she thrusts, up and down, back and forth, fucking, fucking, fucking.  With each withdrawal, I feel her pussy lips sucking my cock back in.  I know this is going to be a quickie. 

I pull back, sliding out of her ravishingly hot depths and roll her onto her stomach.  I lift her thighs to my height and kneel behind her.  I feel for her fanny with my fingers, but Mai is already gaping in anticipation.  She wriggles her bum back until her slick cunt slides onto my aching, waiting rod.  We start to fuck again, she’s rocking her whole body, backward onto me, then forward, her tight twat gripping the tip of my cock with her lips, not letting me slip out, then she thrusts back onto me, her bum slapping into me lap.

Raw Lust - Hot Rodding Mai

Our pace quickens, fuck, slap; in, out; thrust, suck.  Boy she is a good fucker, like a rooting rabbit.  Her pussy is super hot now, even through my condom.  My rod is stiffening even harder and tingling.  I can feel my cum rising in my shaft.  I want to come.  I need a quickie tonight.  I fuck harder and faster till my prick can hold it no longer.  With a final thrust and slap, I ram my cock as far up Mai's cunt as I can and hold her, slamming against her cervix. Her kegel muscles clamp tightly around me trying to suck the cum out of me.  My hands are around her small chest tweaking her nipples.  My cock is throbbing, pulsing, then there is a flood of warmth as my cum fills my rubber.  I hold there for a minute as the last of my spasms subsides and her kegels finally relax their grip. Definitely an 8.5 on the 'fuchter' scale. No "Girl Friend Experience", no 'connection', no kissing, no oral on her, just pure, raw lustful fucking.

Mai quickly pulls off me and walks around the bed. I sit on the side as she quickly cleans me up with a handful of tissues.  I shower and dress. I don't think I got my full 20 minutes, but it was an awesome, quickie hot fuck.  Mai is a consummate professional prostitute.  Get the money, get him up quickly and fuck hard and fast."

---xxxXxxx---

My 'Number' - Measuring Up

I generally don't like to dwell on numbers, but less than 50 times in 35 years of marriage (and barely 10% of those enjoyable)? WTF? Why/how did I wait so long? I guess marriage can survive (just) on care and love alone. Compare that to 300+ times (they are $250/hr after all, not live-in arrangements) with about 100 different wonderful, hot ladies, some outright nymphomaniacs, in 13 years. 

What Does the Future Hold?

But here I am now at 72, with post prostate cancer radiotherapy ED. What will 2021 hold? I will continue my trial 'treatment' of regular low-dose Viagra tablets, with a high dose boost when needed. I have some very understanding regular LOPs, with whom I can go for a 'test drive'. Perhaps the memories of Mai might give me a little extra stimulation. I do have 13 years of wonderful memories to reminisce over, even if I can't get a 'hot rod' anymore just reading them!

Click to see who else has been wicked this Wednesday!

Thank God It's You

This post is a rework of "That Smile" from 2013, to Tell You About ... Desire!

When it comes to 'desire', I have a genetic predisposition - I am a male of a certain age (17-70). The degree of desire does vary with relationship status and age. By my late 50's, being in a sexless marriage and relying on sex workers for my sexual pleasure, I found that I could last 3 weeks before the urges started to build up, but by the 4th week, I had 'blue balls' and the urge became an ache.

Now the average sex worker is in it for the money, not her own sexual desire. But occasionally one meets a gem who enjoys the sex as much as or sometimes more than the money. I immediately put her on my 'regulars' speed dial. Daniella is one such regular.

On the day in question, my ache is bad. My favourite brothel is near my home rail station, so I arrive just after 6pm. I had been seeing Daniella, my Moroccan Maid, regularly for a while. I was her last client for the day. When she saw me come in, she ran down the corridor, threw her arms around me, plants a passionate kiss, and says, "Thank God it's you. I've had a shitty day and I need some 'me' time".

With the preliminaries finished quickly, we welcome each other passionately. I quickly go down on her so the Tongue Engine can start to deliver some 'me' time. Her cunni linctus tastes as sweet as honey and my honey Daniella is really 'buzzing'. Finally, in desperation (?) she jumps me and rides me like a woman possessed, possessed with a need, the desire to be fucked, hard, to be filled, to come and come hard on me.  She twists and grinds on me, working her clit hard against my pubes, until she comes, with that deep down vaginal orgasm, that starts by clenching 'little Tom' tightly, then with spasms that spread to her thighs and legs, squeezing around me, then up her body, tensing, throwing her head back.  With such glorious, intense sensations coursing through my body too, I can't help but come with her.

Then she collapses across my chest.  Her gorgeous breasts crushed between us, her chest heaving in exhaustion, her whole body glowing with the sheen of perspiration. And she looks into my eyes with the most contented, serene smile I have ever seen. It was almost like the Cheshire Cat that got the cream (well it was my cream actually).

We lie together, she on top of me, for a couple of minutes as we catch our breaths, then she rolls off into the crook of me arm, and says, "I'm fucked.  I needed that.  I could just go to sleep in your arms".

Thanks Daniella.  You certainly know how to make a man feel like he is desired as the greatest lover in the world.

That smile?  Eat your heart out Mona Lisa!

(Click to see who else is desirable/desiring!)

Post Script

Seven year later, I am no longer of that 'certain age'. Post prostate radiotherapy, the urges of desire are now but a warm memory.

Further, with Covid-19 pandemic lock-down, all our bordellos have been closed since March 2020 and probably won't open again till about June 2021. The city of Melbourne might have managed to crush its 2nd wave of Covid, but we are still having to live in a Covid safe society. So sex with masks at approved social distance, just doesn't have any appeal.

Sextreme Sport - The Ride

Sometimes or perhaps usually, memories of the ordinary, day-to-day things don't rise up to reminiscences. It's the unusual, out of the ordinary things that have some special 'trigger' that brings reminiscences to the fore.

Personally, sex wise, I am a vanilla, cuddly type. Cunnilingus is the closest I come to 'kink'. Whilst the encounter I describe below was extreme for me, for others you might think, "What's so unusual about that!". But as a sexygenarian at the time (8 years ago), I was starting to slow down to retirement, but still trying to explore experiences that I never got to experience in my up-tight younger years.

The Lady in Question

The lady in question working as 'Cristal', had been an average suburban sex worker, dissatisfied with her future prospects, decided to rebrand herself and move into the 'private' world. You notice that I didn't use the word 'escort'. With new breast implants, dyed pink hair and web-site and social media launch as 'Hot Babe', "the filthiest, dirtiest English slapper you will ever stick your cock in", "I am a wild, nasty, shameless, hardcore whore", "I specialize in XXX Pornstar Action, deep throat like you've never seen, all the way down your gullet, drenching your bedroom in fountains of squirt", she is not the sort of girl to take home to meet your mother or to take as an escort to a 5 star restaurant.

The Encounter

So I joined the long line of men waiting to take her on. I secured a week-day long-lunch booking, not too far from work.

At the agreed place and time, Cristal eventually comes in, cunningly disguised in an all-over tan and skimpy fluoro bikini that barely holds in her newly acquired FFs. After the obligatory preliminary shower, Cristal returns, and there is some "dancing" around each other, sizing each-other up - discovering each-other's delectations.  We move into a clinch and Cristal lifts her top and thrust her orbs into my face, saying "Wrap your tongue around these!".

There is writhing and squirming, jockeying for position till Cristal gains the upper hand and 'attacks' with tongue and mouth.  But despite being in the under-dog position, I pull her leg over and start giving that English pussy a good old Aussie licking.

She rolls off and pulls me up to a standing position in front of the mirror, then on her knees, I meet Deep Throat.  But I regain the upper hand, and push her back onto the bed, head over the edge for a face-fuck. I then pull her legs up over my shoulders for more lip-licking 69 whilst simultaneously 'pile-driving' deep down (up?) her throat.

But Cristal, showing her amazing flexibility, extricates herself, and standing, still in her 5" stillettos, with one leg shoulder high against the mirror in a vertical 'split', demands, "Well are you going to fuck this English pussy now?".  What follows, is a series of moves and positions that would do an Olympic gymnast justice. She throws pillows on the floor, pushes me down and proceeds to impale herself on me, both forward and reverse and a 'twister'.

But I regain control, and have Cristal spread-eagled on her back on the bed.  I crawl up the bed, pausing to apply more oral lubrication, before pinning her under me.  A DFK tongue battle ensures.  She lifts her legs high over my shoulders to achieve maximum penetration, and much pleading to The Almighty can be heard (definitely a 10 on my fuchter-scale).

As her shudders finally subside, I roll off, and she dives on my member to slake her thirst at my fountain of love.

Half exhausted, we both lie back for a cuddle and chat about love and marriage and internet BLOGS.

But its not long before she can feel a nudge in her crotch as Little Tom rises for more.  She swings round and licks and sucks some more, and I give her the two-finger salute.  Before long she is bucking again and reaches for another rubber and has barely got it on before the 'time up' buzzer sounds.  But do you think a buzzer is going to stop this Wicked Wench when she wants something ("its all about me!").  She is on board now and riding like a woman possessed, until in another body shuddering orgasm, she gets what she wants!  Her pussy has clamped tightly around me and I continue pumping as tremors continue to ripple through her body, till I explode too. (OMG, twice in an hour, its unheard of for the old fella).

Now, totally exhausted, we both fall back to catch our breath.  The buzzer goes a second time, and I slowly get up on wobbly legs.

The final score? A 2 all draw!

After Thoughts

Would I return? Probably not! But it is something that every man should try at least once. But with age and my latest issue of ED after prostate cancer treatment, I wouldn't be up to it.

Cristal has expanded her extreme repertoire. With up to 3 other like-minded 'sluts', she organizes "Wet & Wild" gang bangs, with sufficient men to ensure that all holes are constantly satisfied. She arrives with a wheelie case full of toys, plastic sheeting to protect floor and furniture, condoms by the gross, quart bottles of lube, and drinks and nibbles to sustain everyone's energy levels.

In writing a review at the time, I was inspired to write a parody verse from Banjo Paterson's "The Man From Snowy River". Then just last year, I was further inspired to update that with a full length parody, "The Ride - The Man From Yarra River". Whilst inspired by Cristal, it is a piece of fiction that does capture the feeling of "Sextreme Sport".

Reminiscences: Musings in Memoir — Prompt #3 "Ride"

To All the Girls I've Loved Before - Thank You

I see from my diary, that its been 10 years since my sexual liberation, so in the words of Hal David, sung variously by Willy Nelson, Julio and Englebert, I want to say 'Thank You' to "All the girls I've loved before".

 

I won't repeat my history that lead to that liberation - it was covered in 'Was the last-time, the LAST Time?'.  Sadly I confess that in that 35 years I had never had or received oral sex, nor had my lady ever orgasmed. 

It was in that time of depression that I 'saw the light', that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, emotional and physical needs. Not wishing to leave the marriage, I turned to professional help - commercial sex.

I am fortunate to live in a state and country where commercial sex is legal and regulated. So in the past 10 years I have learnt and experienced many aspects of this 'service' industry.

 
There have been 1 or 2 'star-fishes' who obviously didn't want to be there, that provide a receptacle rather than a service. 

 
There have been those that seemed quite inexperienced and nervous. There have been some that really tried to provide a good service, but there has been no 'connection'.  Can there really be a 'connection' between a sex worker and client?

I will digress slightly at this point to thank a Punter Review web forum.  This particular site encourages ladies to join in general conversations and is well moderated.  It was here that I learnt how best to choose a lady from the introductions, that might best suit my needs.  Reviews from other punters also provided recommendations and service descriptions.  So I quickly found myself enjoying the company of a number of special ladies, that I dedicate this post to.

I quickly developed skills in cunnilingus with guidance from some of my ladies. For the first time I experienced ladies that really wanted/needed sex themselves - yes, there are ladies in the sex industry that are not there just for the money, but because of their own high sex-drive needs. For the first time I experienced ladies' orgasms in all their wonderful varieties - O-O-O-OMG. Then to top this off, I found my first squirter. To all these wonderful ladies, "Thank You"!

So despite the danger of overlooking someone, here is my "Honor Roll" in roughly chronological order:-

• First off, thanks to Kelly who popped my punting cherry. Tho in hindsight, not great sex, she was a very gentle, kind lady that guided me for an enjoyable first time commercially. I almost felt like a virgin being introduced to sex for the first time. I needed it.
• Daniella was a dark horse, passed over at our first introduction, but next time I discovered a highly sexed, passionate women whose company I enjoyed over eight years. It was she who taught me the joys of DATY and nick-named me 'Thomas the Tongue Engine'. I have written about our times together three times on this blog - 'Maid in Morocco', 'That Smile' and 'A Bad Habit'.
• Megan introduced me to CIMS, snow-balling and the taste of cum. But more importantly, Megan took me out of the time-constrained commercial environment, to Booty-Buddy visits at home, of 'Breakfast with Benefits', and coping with a Buddy relationship coming to an end.
• Sandy was a hot New Zealand blonde, with whom I discovered the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms.
• April was probably the first 'screamer' I encountered, and my head in a scissor lock whilst she convulsed, won't be forgotten. And I sustained the first and only 'punch' in the nose in my whole life (from a convulsing pubic bone). If the end-of-the world was at hand, I couldn't think of a nicer lady to go out with a bang with.
• Cristal HotBabe ('The Wicked Wench of Wupert Street') was a once off PSE that you've got to try once in a life-time. It was wild, almost gymnastic with some positions I've never seen or heard of before or since.
• Kaz is an all round lovely lady - great body, good conversationalist, great kisser and great sex. I discovered that ladies that have mastered kegal muscle control can add an amazing dimension to sex - I quipped that she does 'DFF'. Also 'Munching on Special-K'.
• Grace introduced me to humour and laughter during sex. Wow, cumming and laughing at the same time is an experience. Yes, sex should be fun.
• Amber is one of those sex machines with a voracious appetite, and a very nice lady to boot.
• Ruby is an incredibly passionate lady, a great kisser and very orgasmic. I swear her prominent nipples are wired to her clit. A keen lover of cunnilingus, I was rewarded by her squirting, again and again and again. Awesome.

To these ladies and all my other companions, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!

O-O-O-OMG! The Female Orgasm

The Female Orgasm

OMG, what am I letting myself in for, writing this post. Does she? Doesn't she? Can she? Wanting or not wanting to? Clitoral vs vaginal? Single or multiple? I was initially worried as a male, writing about female orgasms, but on reflection men have probably observed a greater variety of female orgasms than most women. I don't claim that this will be a scientific analysis, or a definitive thesis, and no attempt at statistics has been made. Rather it is just one man's observations. Further, my observations are almost entirely from 'paid-for-sex' encounters which has its own issues which I will touch on later. 

The Good, The Fantastic and The Ecstatic

What an amazingly beautiful thing, the female orgasm is. Unlike we simple, mere males, the female orgasm is as varied, complex and mysterious as women's psyche and physiology.

One of the things I learnt from my ladies early on, is that strength of orgasm is related to whether she can come only once or multiple times. A big strong orgasm is usually a singleton, leaving her exhausted - eg. "That Smile". The French have a delightful phrase, "petit mort", the "little death" to describe that post-orgasmic exhaustion. Some ladies have even said that they can never orgasm more than once a day. But a less strong orgasm is no guarantee of multiples. But then again, singletons are not necessarily 'strong' - some one-a-day ladies only have gentle, quiet orgasms - every woman is wired differently and responds differently. When it comes to multiples, my golden-girl buddy, AX holds my record of 9 in a single session - ride'm cow-girl.

[Ed.17/6] Then there is the "cluster", a series of strong orgasms with a sub-second pause between. I was reminded of these by a recent rollicking great time with Miss A. With the first convulsion, she had my head in a scissor lock while her body bucked around (I thought I would need a chiropractor) - she was very apologetic once she came down - OMG.

Then there is the perennial question of "Clitoral vs Vaginal". On the surface, this describes the style of stimulation that a lady needs to orgasm. Some/many say they can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. Vaginal stimulation is more difficult for a lady to control and direct toward achieving orgasm if her guy is just thrusting away - vaginal stimulation to orgasm needs to be focused on the G spot and the entrance of the vagina. With her on top and if he holds off from thrusting, she has a better chance of controlling the stimulation she needs. From my observations, there is also a Vaginal Orgasm that is rare and qualitatively different. Different muscles are involved and is probably related to a lady's ability to control her pelvic floor (kegel) muscles. This orgasm starts deep down, rumbling like an earthquake, building up to an explosion. In my first encounter of this, my lady had had several clitoral orgasms, but after the vaginal orgasm exploded, she exclaimed, "God I needed that. I haven't had one of those for months".

Speaking of 'earthquakes', there are sometimes 'after shocks', different from multiple orgasms from continued stimulation. These are smaller post orgasm 'twitches' that occur unexpectedly, that sometimes bring on the giggles. In "I'll Have What She's Having", I wrote of not just a 'Happy Ending', but a 'Hilarious Ending'.

Which brings me to the relationship between humour, orgasms and "The Screamer". I believe that women who have a good sense of humour and an ability to have a good laugh, have better orgasms. Both require the ability to be able to "let go" of those psychological constraints we place on ourselves. This also is related to how vocal we become during orgasm - I'm afraid yours truly is a 'quiet achiever' though my ladies have often said they enjoy my sense of humour.

Orgasmic squirting is another less common response, that I only first experienced after many years - see "Christmas Drinks at the Y". There seems to be no scientific consensus as to what it is. My observations are that it does come from the urethra and is thus not vaginal lubrication, and it doesn't taste like urine.

[Edit 21-Jun-2018]If squirting occurs during intercourse, then the convulsive force of the orgasm pushes the penis out.

Finally, there is the ultimate orgasm, the coming together, insemination orgasm. At peak arousal, the vagina is sensitive to each ridge and movement of intercourse. As the penis stiffens and twitches signalling impending ejaculation, her orgasm immediately clamps around the base of his penis, then starts to convulse in inward moving waves, pulling the penis deeper in, sucking the very last drop of cum out of him. As the ejaculation and waves of orgasm subside, her vagina continues to squeeze the cock tight, holding it in. In the wild, this ensues retention of the sperm and heightens the chance of insemination. (In animals, this is known as the 'tie'). Then as post-coital exhaustion envelopes, the captive is released.[/Edit]

Non-Orgasms

To round out this discussion, we should touch on "non-orgasms".

An-orgasmic

Its a sad fact that a significant percentage of women have never had an orgasm. Its not exactly a condition one can 'observe' and write about, but I have been married to such a lady for 40 years. There seems to be three conditions - those that don't know how, those that can't, either physically or emotionally and it could be argued that this later group don't want to have orgasms - the 'loss of bodily control' is just too traumatic. At this point, spare a thought for the millions of girls and women for whom the centre of female pleasure has been cruelly cut out.

Non-sexual Orgasms

Yes Dorothy, such a thing is possible. And I have seen it in person.  Some 20 years ago, Lady Thomas was undergoing a major change in her medications and an ignorant doctor took her off some important meds (Benzodiazapine tranquilizers) 'cold turkey'. The withdrawal symptoms were dreadful, hallucinations, phobias, palpitations and muscle spasms. One day we were sitting chatting about nothing when she started have spasms obviously coming from her pelvic area. It was quite frightening and un-nerving. It put the 'nail in the coffin' of her ever wanting sexual orgasms, ever.

Faking It

Almost as sad as the women who are an-orgasmic, are those that feel they have to fake orgasms. Perhaps they are an-orgasmic and don't want their partner to know, but feel an obligation to please their partner.

In the paid-for-sex world, faking is relatively common, when the woman feels that orgasm is too personal and reserves that for their life partner. Sometimes it is put on when the client expects it even if she doesn't have any left in her that day. They aren't known as the "mattress actresses" for nothing.

Giving and Taking

When it comes to men "giving" women orgasms, I am reminded of the joke, "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb" - A. "One, But the light bulb has to want to be changed!". It saddens me that so many men are only interested in their own orgasm, and so many women's orgasms are solitary affairs.

The great mystery of human sexuality, is that at its best, it is both totally selfish and totally unselfish, at the same time. It is both a journey and one or more climaxes (destinations?). But the reality of ageing, is that more and more, I have to be satisfied with enjoying the journey, irrespective of reaching any climax. I have as yet to hear the thoughts from any of my ladies on ageing for them - perhaps they just hide it and fake it.

Thank You

To all the delightful ladies that have shared time with me over the years, "Thank you" just doesn't seem enough. Perhaps I should say "O-O-O-O-OMG!!! THANK YOU!".

PS. Please don't be shy with the Comments. Share your experiences and thoughts, whether male or female.

Lucky Tom Dedicates His Song

"To all the girls I've loved beforeWho travelled in and out my doorI'm glad they came alongI dedicate this songTo all the girls I've loved before."

My local bordello has a weekly Lucky Door Prize raffle draw and this week my number came up - first prize a free session with the lady of my choice.  It was only the previous Monday that I had seen my current regular, G, and here it was just 7 days later, I was having an awesome time with G again.  I got thinking about my "luck" and the great times I have with G, then of all the other great times with all my other great ladies, that made me think of the above song - thanks Willie Nelson for expressing so beautifully, my gratitude.

Sadly, it wasn't always so.  It wasn't until my late 50's that I came to my senses. I was getting quite depressed, but it was a lady at work that opened my mind. She was a single mother, coping with a teenage son, she had managed the construction of her own house - a real "go getter".  I learned from her that one has to take responsibility for your own happiness.  Sure, there were reasons for my wife's zero libido - abusive father, injury, illness, medication, etc.  But whether I let life's misfortune make me unhappy, or whether I made my own happiness, was my choice. As the old saying goes, "When life dishes up lemons, make lemonade".

And so it was that I took the plunge with the oldest professional help. There was a lot of misapprehension and soul searching, having all the misinformed view of prostitution promulgated by the do-gooder press. I was so lucky with my first Lady Of Pleasure - I could not have met a nicer lady that put all my misconceptions to rest.

And the rest is history, so to say. I have had good times, great times and some awesome times - "so this is what marriage was supposed to have been like?".  My ladies have taught me a lot.  The greatest driver of great sex is what goes on between the ears. Its about R.E.S.P.E.C.T.  Its about compatible senses of humour. Its about unselfishness, of wanting to please/pleasure each other. With ongoing times together comes communication and trust.

So here is to:- 

• G (Amazing Grace with the luscious labia to dream of), 
• D ("The Body" builder with an occasional bad habit and my first GILF),  
• V ("11"), C (the Maltese terrier), 
• A (too much of a nympho for my own good),   
• T/M (booty buddy),  
• C1 (the Wicked Wench - wild, but once was enough) and 
• K (Special Krazy).  

And to all the others - thank you.

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OMG  The news of the Boston bombing just flashed across my screen!  When will the world ever learn to "make love, not war"!

The Wicked Wench of Wupert Stweet

"There was movement on the forums, for the word had passed around
That the MILF from "Butterflies" had got away,
And had joined the Wild Ladies - she was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted punters from the brothels near and far
Had mustered at "The G" overnight,
For the punters love hard riding where the Wild Ladies are,
And Sir Thomas snuffs the battle with delight."

(with apologies to ABP)

(Edit Jan.2019 - Since Cristal first inspired the above parody verse, I have finally completed a full length piece, titled The Rider.)
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From all reports this young blond filly of ample assets with her butter wouldn't melt in her mouth" English Rose looks and seductive accent, continues to seduce the men of Melbtropolis. Despite her "Hot Babe" tag, this is really the "Wicked Wench of Wupert Stweet".  

Its time she got a good licking - this is a job for "Super Tongue" ("I've eaten more pussies than Sunday roasts!").

Meanwhile, in the grey canyons of the business district of Melbtropolis, mild mannered business analyst Sir Thomas, slips out for an early long lunch.  He boards his trusty #109 steed, flashing his Seniors Card at the ticket inspector, and heads on down to "The G".

Cristal ("The Wench") was busy as usual.  ST had rung the day before to ensure he got a lunch-time booking, but only 1:15 was available. But even now, she is running 15 minutes late.  He settles in the waiting room with just women's daytime TV and a NW magazine for company (not even a 'Ralph' - wtf)!

Cristal eventually comes in, cunningly disguised in an all-over tan and skimpy fluoro bikini that barely holds in her newly acquired puppies.

Up in the room, Sir Thomas slips into the shower cubical and steps out as "Super Tongue"!  

On Cristal's return, there is some "dancing" around each other, sizing each-other up - discovering each-other's delectations.  They move into a clinch and Cristal lifts her top and thrust her orbs into his face, "Wrap your tongue around these!" ST thinks, "I'm supposed to be giving her the 'licking'. She shouldn't be demanding it!"

There is writhing and squirming, jockeying for position till Cristal gains the upper hand and is attacking ST with her tongue and mouth. But ST, despite being in the under-dog position pulls her leg over and starts giving that English pussy a good old Aussie licking.

She rolls off and pulls him up to a standing position in front of the mirror, then on her knees, ST meets DT (Deep Throat).  But ST regains the upper hand, and pushes her back onto the bed, head over the edge and continues the face-fuck, then pulls her legs up over his shoulders for more lip-licking 69 (is there even a name for this position?)

But Cristal, showing her amazing flexibility, extricates herself, and standing, still in her stillettos, with one leg shoulder high against the mirror, demands, "Well are you going to fuck this English pussy now?"  What follows, is a series of moves and positions that would do the Australian Ballet justice, before Cristal throws ST to the floor onto a pillow and proceeds to impale herself on him, both forward and reverse cow-girl.

But ST regains control, and has Cristal spread-eagled on her back on the bed.  He crawls up the bed, pausing to apply more oral lubrication, before pinning her under him.  A DFK tongue battle ensures.  She lifts her legs high over his shoulders to achieve maximum penetration, and much pleading to The Almightly can be heard.

As her shudders finally subside, ST rolls off, and she dives on his member to slake her thirst at the fountain of love.

Half exhausted, they both lie back for a cuddle and chat about love and marriage and internet forums.

But its not long before she can feel a nudge in her crotch as ST rises for more. She swings round and licks and sucks some more, and ST gives her the two-finger salute.  Before long she is bucking again and reaches for another rubber and has barely got it on before the buzzer sounds. But do you think a buzzer is going to stop this Wicked Wench when she wants something ("its all about me!"). She is on board now and riding like a woman possessed, until in another body shuddering orgasm, she gets what she wants! Her pussy has clamped tightly around ST who continues pumping as tremors continue to ripple through her body, till he explodes too. (OMG, twice in an hour, its unheard of for the old fella).

Now, totally exhausted, they both fall back to catch their breath. The buzzer goes a second time, and ST slowly gets up then gingerly stands on wobbly legs. He showers and slips back into his disguise as mild-mannered Sir Thomas.

The final score? A 2 all draw!
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As Sir Thomas settles back in the 109 to catch his breath and wait for some strength to return to his knees, he wonders:

"Who was that woman?  Was that really the 'Wicked Wench', or was it in fact 'Wonder Woman' stripped bare?"

And so Sir Thomas slips back into work a bit after 3pm (it was an extra long "Lunch") - little do the juniors realise that The Old Man (TOM) is in fact the fearless defender of Twuth, Justice and the Punters’ Way!

As TOM settles down at his desk, there is a stirring in his loins - Oh no! Is it the delicious memory, or the remnants of vitamin V, or ... no, it couldn't be ... not "Cristallization"?  He licks his lips and wiggles his tongue - no, thank goodness - "Super Tongue" is safe for another day!
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PS. Apart from some literary license, no facts were harmed in the production of this review.  Everything else should be taken with a grain of Cialis and was written with tongue firmly in pussy.  All allusions, alliterations and aspersions are altogether intentional.