The Knighting of Sir Thomas

In 4 THOUGHTS or FICTION this month, May has asked about the origins of our nom de plume (pen name).

Simple Beginnings

My story is rather simple. Before I started blogging, when I first started going to brothels, I used my middle name, Thomas, for my bookings. After about 12 months of finding my sexual freedom, I took the plunge and went down on a lady for the first time in my life (I feel embarrassed to confess to it being my first time in my late 50's). Needless to say, I was hooked, and imbibed at every opportunity, learning and growing in confidence.

An Inspiration

The first time I booked Daniella, an amazing French Moroccan lady, we clicked and enjoyed each other's company over some 8 years (Maid in Morocco, That Smile, A Bad Habit). After a hot steamy session in the early years, after a loud, body shuddering orgasm, once she had regained her breath, she said "Sir, you are a veritable Tongue Engine". I had just recently started journalling my exploits and Daniella immediately inspired me to start a blog under the nom de plume "Sir Thomas, The Tongue Engine".

Logos - Putting an Image to The Name

My initial logo was the face of a certain blue engine with a Mick Jagger like tongue. I never particularly like it, being a bit childish.

When I decided to launch my alternative blog of non-sexual material and considering my years, I went with a Latin title, "Argentum Vulpes" (Silver Fox). In searching for a blog visual theme, I settled on an Art Deco look. It also seemed an opportune time to upgrade my logo to something more befitting a be-knighted silver fox.

Lust Through the Years

Dear Diary,

I know its been quite some time since we communicated, but with this pandemic virus and isolation, the possibilities for intimate socializing have been zero. Sure, I wrote last year, "Vale Sir Lust", but the demise of my lust is slightly exaggerated. Whilst my "get up and go" has not entirely "got up and gone", with chemical assistance and a lot of effort, I can "get it up" occasionally, but the "go" is only a trickle. But worse, the lustful urges are just a slightly sad, warm memory.

At least, one of the benefits of aging, is time and history for introspection and reminiscence. One of those observations, is the way lust changes through the years. Briget Delaney asked for Erotic Journals about being "Lustful" - I cover the range of lust here, but I don't think there's too much erotica in it.

Pubescent Lust - Learning, Dreaming, Wishing, Waiting, Discovery

As a pre-teen boy, from those earliest stirring in the loins, you knew that you were at the start of something wonderful, of manhood. There was the discovery that rubbing and friction produced a wonderful feeling, and then the magic of an erection - was "Jack and the beanstalk" really a youngster's erotic tale? 

Then came the obligatory "sex education" talk - what a waste of an hour - just medical talk about sperm, follopian tubes, eggs and the uterus; all about reproduction and absolutely nothing useful about "sex". Real sex-ed occurred in the school yard, especially from boys who had older brothers, where we learnt about sticking your 'willy' into something called a 'cunt'. But it was the secrecy of something illicit that stirred the excitement. Then occasionally there were the crumpled "dirty pictures" that surreptitiously got passed around.

This was the beginning of "lust". The stories, pictures and imaginings warmed the loins and triggered erections - oooh, the pleasure. From rubbing against playground equipment and shimmying up poles to get an erection, we graduated to masturbation and the wonder of ejaculation. Sexual thoughts and dreams seemed to consume the whole day. Sexual dreams were so intense, you could wake up with a very hard erection and pajamas wet with ejaculate, or more embarrassing, wets sheets and the worry that mum might find them.

Lust on the Doorstep of Adulthood

In the late teens, we discovered "lads mags" and saw the naked female form in all its voluptuous beauty, for the first time. For most guys, this was the time of dates, of dances, of sexual exploration, fumbling gropes in the back row of the picture theatre. Some even progressed "all the way".

But for me, growing up in a straight-laced religious family, where dancing was almost evil, and rock music the call of the devil, head-lined by that hip-swivelling  personification of evil, Elvis Presley, that was leading the youth of the world down the path to eternal damnation. The growth of my sexual life was stunted to say the least, though lust persisted. But how could something so natural for all men (I had still to learn about women's lust), be considered the source of temptation to sin?

Eventually, I left home in my tertiary years and my first serious female relationship developed. We progressed through snogging, to gropes, but never "down there".

Lust in Marriage - For Better or Worse

I quickly discovered that my marriage was not going to be "lust-full" - there were all sorts of emotional, medical and sexual baggage. But we stuck it out and 90% of the time I had to DIY. Lust was different now - it was an aching longing for what should be but I didn't have. Despite ongoing serious medical issues, a child was eventually planned and conceived, thanks to the Billings method and coitus once a month whether she wanted to or not - the most frequent sex we had in our entire married life.

With 18 years of further medical issues with our child, on top of aggravated medical problems for my wife, sex took a very distant back seat, from zero to once a year, a "sympathy" fuck at best. 

Work took me away interstate at times for up to a week, so there were many lonely nights with daily porn and masturbation for my unsated lust.

Post Middle Age Liberated Lust

With the mortgage paid off, the family left home and medical condition much settled, I thought we might have a second chance to develop a sex life. But it wasn't to be. She finally got up the courage to tell me that she didn't enjoy sex and never had and would rather not have any ever again.

Well that was a kick in the guts. I was a faithful husband, had a beautiful family, a good career, but my identity as a "man" was in doubt. My painful lust descended into depression. It was a woman at work, divorced and in a new relationship, that opened my eyes to understand that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, in spite of circumstances. And so I decided to take the plunge into paying for sexual satisfaction.

Well that was probably the best thing I could have done. Depression lifted, I was coping at home as a carer better. There was so much I was learning about women's sexuality, pleasuring each other, and the whole package of close intimate 'relationships' (I guess I was very lucky in my selection of my ladies-of-pleasure way above the average sex-worker).

Lust was quite different now. After each encounter, the euphoria lasted over a week. Around the 3 week mark (I was in my late 50s after all), the wonderful lustful urge became almost all consuming, so I just slipped out for another "long lunch" or left work a little early for a stop-off on my way home, to catch up with one of my wonderful ladies. Lust was moving on from just wanting/needing to "get my rocks off", to desire for the the full intimate encounter.

Sexygenarian Lust as One Ages

One day I was seeing a new lady, that wasn't quite up to my usual level of excitement, when lo and behold, I lost my erection mid-coitus. Aging erectile dysfunction had arrived. My doctor prescribed Viagra and everything was wonderful again. Erections were harder and lasted longer. But as a few more years passed, despite a good hard erection, I found it harder to orgasm at all.

The lustful urges were becoming less frequent, and focused on the totality, and I was settling down to a handful of very special regular ladies rather than going on the prowl for a conquests.

Prostate Cancer, Radiotherapy, Declining Lust and the Future

I've covered this topic extensively in recent posts, which brings me back to my introduction at the top of the page. I'm at the point now where I'm wondering if, when I become widowed, whether there will be a last, if somewhat short chance at some intimate sexuality. There are at least two couples in our retirement village that have hooked up or married since coming here. I read about octogenarians fathering children, and one or two of my LOPs have told me of 80+ year old clients coming in for some relief comfort on the way home from visiting their dying wife in hospital. So you never know.

So dear diary, there is one constant throughout life, and that is sexual lust. I have posted some years ago, "I Lust, Therefore I am", our "ID" as defined by Sigmund Freud. We are human sexual beings after all. The most important thing in life, is how we harness our lust to fit in with all the other aspects of life.

"Lustful"

Paradise Lost - Vale Sir Lust

Occasionally we read about those early teen years of discovery, perhaps of illicit liaisons. But we seldom read of the other end of life. Sure we hear of changes during menopause, and of course there is the perpetual whinging of married men saying their wives have lost their libido. Erectile Dis-function gets an occasional mention, but Viagra and Cialis take care of that.

Loss of male libido can have psychological or medicinal causes. But outright physical loss of sexual desire (lust) and function, just silently slides under the covers. 

My ED started at around 60 and I posted "Sex and Aging". But Viagra ushered in a new era for me, but orgasm/ejaculation was less, partly due to the Viagra effects. By age 65, I blogged "As Lust Fades". At 69, prostate cancer was detected -  I opted for radiotherapy, since prostatectomy was more likely to cause impotency. The treatment was a breeze and I celebrated every week of "The 39 Days".

In the 2 years since the radiotherapy, the cancer appears to have gone. But sexual function and libido have just about died. At first, it wasn't just inability to orgasm from sex, but sensitivity and feeling was declining. Add in condoms for transactional sex, the old adage of it being like taking a shower in a rain-coat, was all too true. With the prostate having been zapped, its functionality has declined so the volume of ejaculate is not much more than a dribble. Further, I have found the ED has worsened to the point where even a maximum dose of Viagra doesn't produce a workable erection. Neither porn nor masturbation can produce an erection.

The Urologist suggested that a mechanical implant could help (rod or inflatable balloon), but with no willing partner, no feeling sensations, and no orgasms, there is no point. Alas, Paradise has been lost.

Fortunately, the tongue is still in good working order. But I can't bring myself to pay $300/hr for a kiss and cuddle.

Vale, Sir Lust

Alas Sir Lust, I knew him well, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He has borne me on his bed a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My ire rises at it. Here hang those balls that have been kissed I know not how oft. Where be thy thrusts now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the whores on a roar? No one now to mock your limp dangling?

(PS. So what happens to this blog now with the loss of inspiration? Well I still have lots of memories to draw on so I will probably defer to fictional erotic writing.)

(Click to see who else is posting Food For Though about Libido)

Peeping Taboo

Tom and SO had been married about 4 years at the time. The marital bed had gone from cool to icey. This particular night was like so many others, a rejection, argument and cold shoulder. Tom tossed and turned for an hour, whilst SO drifted into a deep sleep, oblivious of Tom's needs and pain. Tom slipped out of bed to get a glass of milk, hoping that would help him get to sleep.

As Tom padded down the dark corridor, he noticed light shining into the dining room. As he slipped into the back corner of the dark room, he could see that light was streaming in from the bedroom window of the house next door. Now Eve (name changed for privacy), the resident, was a twenty something student, living with her single mum and brother. Eve always seemed a plain Jane as she headed off to college each day in quite dumpy clothes with never an effort to look attractive.

Suddenly the light brightened as the blind was released fully up and Eve stood in the window, obviously just out of the shower. She tousled her hair, then released her towel wrap and stood there, looking out into the darkness, in all her natural naked beauty. Tom could see now that Eve was actually quite a beauty, youthfully trim and taut, obviously sporty, with well developed curves.

(Shutterstock image)

Eve reached over to the dresser and got a bottle of body lotion, and proceeded to rub copious lotion all over her body, from head to toe, from tits to twat. She still made no attempt of privacy, standing in front of the window.

Eve now started her pre-bedtime exercises, stretches, squats and backward arches, giving peeping Tom a full-on flash. She then threw a leg high up on the window frame for a full frontal standing splits.

Did she know Tom was watching? Was she hoping he was watching?

She stretched her arms up and started running her fingers down her legs. As she reached her smooth shaven pubes, her fingers lightly slipped through her folds, but not daring to enter her inner sanctum. Tom sensed her tension as her lustful instincts were fighting with her up-bringing taboo, that "nice girls don't play with them-selves down there".

This gave a clue to her late night naked exhibitionism. She must have a dark, deep down lustful desire for exhibitionism, but to do so in front of people was taboo. But in the privacy of her bedroom, with an audience of lustful imaginary eyes in the darkness of a void outside her window, she found her freedom.

With her exercises finished, she reached for her perfume and sprayed her whole body, then slipped into bed, still totally naked, and the lights went off.

Tom was flushed, his heart thumping, and his own hard taboo nudging through his pajama fly. He went and fetched his glass of milk, then slipped back into his cold bed. He quickly dosed off to sleep, wrapped in wonderful memories of his own personal taboo peep show.

Tell Me About .... Voyeurism

I Lust, Therefore I Am

This topic came up in relation to a forum discussion on prostate surgery.  Men are not the best at seeing their doctor for regular health checks, but the very thought of prostate surgery and possible (probable?) decline or loss of sexual function, sends shivers through any red-blooded male.  Not being able to get a 'rise' at the sight of a beautiful sexy woman, to not be able to get an erection ever again, or have no sexual feelings in your penis, to some, is like having the very core of your being cut out.

Mind you I read of ladies having similar feelings of loss of sexual identity after mastectomy.  For women, this is a double whammy of both body image as well as self identity.

I heard of a case of a young man in his late 20's, who developed testicular cancer. Despite treatment, it really messed with his mind and self worth.  He couldn't bring himself to touch his wife and the marriage eventually broke up.  Needless to say it had a profound effect on his wife too, who had a strong sex drive. Her whole persona of wife, lover, mother, in a happy, caring relationship, was down the toilet.  With two young children to raise, no career, no support and unmet 'needs', she talked to a girlfriend, who suggested she try 'sex work' (thank goodness in Australia this option is available, legal and safe).  It was here that I met her.  Apart from some rollicking good times, we also had some very deep conversations.  The work and her clients had opened her eyes to a whole new world, of the possibility of sexual enjoyment without having to commit to the unknown of a long-term relationship.  Having saved up a little nest egg, she has left the industry now, gone back to college to study for a new career, and maybe dip her toe into the dating scene again - but she has thrown off the shackles of thinking that a girl 'needs' a man in her life to feel complete.  I wish her all the best.

Lust in the sense of sexual feelings (as distinct from unrequited desire for someone) is at the core of our humanness. Menopause and age can be like thieves in the night that creep up on you and steal your natural lust away.  These are things we will all have to deal with at some point, both in ourselves and in our partners. But to have 'it' taken in traumatic circumstances can be mentally debilitating. It is so important to not put all your 'identity eggs' in the 'lust basket', but to have other charitable and creative outlets for self-worth.

PS. I have personally just had a prostate biopsy, and thank goodness, the results are all clear. So my declining post rate, in line with declining 'lust' and performance, is just old fashioned aging.  Thank goodness my tongue is still as strong and lusty as ever. There is nothing like a little dose of Cunning Linctus to perk one up.

As Lust Fades

There are plenty of comments around about women losing their libido, usually following menopause (usually from their bewildered partners). But men are very reluctant to admit it of themselves.  This is sometimes called "andropause", although medically, this is an ill-defined term, medically implying a decrease in testosterone levels.

Its not that I'm not interested in sex any-more - far from it.  And I still enjoy sex very much.  Its just that there is no 'urge', no 'stirring in the loins', no 'automatic boners', no 'morning glory'.

Let me back up to the start of my 'problems'.  It must be five or six years ago now when I found my erections wilting mid-session (mind you, that particular lady wasn't exactly very encouraging).  I spoke to my doctor about ED and he prescribed Viagra. Wow! But the after effects are not nice, so I halved the dose, then halved again, still getting a good usable erection with some reduction in side effects.  In time, I switched to Cialis with slightly less side effects and improved erections for several days (see "4 o'clock in the morning").  But last year, the gastric reflux 'heart burn' was getting quite severe - the doctor ordered a gastroscopy and some acid-burn scarring was found in the lower oesophagus. So I've stopped Cialis and I'm now trying herbal 'Viagermax' which in combination with a good cock-ring is serving me well.

BUT.  Whilst medication has helped my ED and I am enjoying 'the journey' better, I have found I am reaching 'the destination' less often (ie. failure to cum).  Neither oral nor Mrs Palmer get me over the line much anymore.  Only a small number of ladies get me there because of their technique, which I wrote about as "DFF Deep French Fucking".

But fading lust is something more.  When I first liberated myself, I set myself a goal/limit of once a month (diarized as FOTM).  Now dear diary, you know how it is, once you are onto a good thing you naturally want more.  So 4-weekly crept back to 3-weekly, and on occasions the urge became an ache that just begged to be salved.  I remember talking with a wonderful regular at the time about which was better, more frequent 'quickies' or longer lingering encounters less often - we decided that there was a need for both. When I found a bordello close to work with particularly enticing ladies, I found myself slipping out for early, long 'lunches' more often - mind you their loyalty scheme of a free visit every 10 kept me regular.  I found that at about 10-12 days, the urge was stirring (I was in my late 50's, not early twenties where 10 hours would be closer to the mark).  So into the third week I was planning my calendar for a slow day for a 'long lunch'.

But now I'm a retired pensioner, with restricted discretionary disposable income, and more difficulty finding "me time" away from home, I only manage to catch up with my buddies once a month.  And I also find the "lust" has gone.  There is no physical 'need' to 'get my rocks off' any more - 'blow and go' is a thing of the past.  My sexual desires are much more volitional, a desire for intimacy, of companionship, etc. (still not available at home).  My issue now is finding suitably accommodating ladies.

On the physical side, my next concern is where is my prostate going - I've had BPH for 15 years and my PSA level has been slowly creeping up to now be at the top of the 'normal range', so I am at the monitor closely (6 monthly) stage before resorting to biopsy.  Is an enlarged prostate the cause of 'not cumming'?

So dear reader, you understand now why my blogging has fallen off - less source material.  But I trust the chronicles of my journey might be of some help to other men, perhaps struggling with some sexual issues and can't/won't discuss them with anyone.  Don't be shy - drop my a line/comment, even anonymously.

With lust unsatisfied or when lust fades,

I'm just not my 'nice' self anymore!